Say You'll Love Me Again
by OTPTrashFF
Summary: As they settle in as new parents, can Jackson & April get past all the pain that tore them apart & find their way back to each other? Should they? Canon through 12x24. T for now.
1. Chapter 1

Annabelle Grace Kepner-Avery, _Anna_.

Jackson loved her. All 7 pounds, 14 ounces of her. He hadn't been able to stop looking at her ever since Ben handed her to him & since that moment he felt that he was always meant to be a father, _her_ father. She was healthy, she was real  & she was here, it was all still really surreal for him. He'd been walking on egg shells the entire duration of the pregnancy, _not entire exactly but still_ , waiting for the shoe to drop, for something to happen, for some test to come back with less than ideal news but after that minor incident with the ultrasound glitch, things had gone pretty much smoothly, much to his surprise. Until today that is, but they made it through. Right now, his daughter was fast asleep in his arms, in a hospital room, with her tiny nose twitching adorably reminding him of someone else he had spent a considerable number of hours watching sleep.

Jackson looked up to see April sleeping a few feet away, in the hospital bed. It had taken him almost 15 minutes to convince her to let go of Anna and rest but she was wary & scared. She had regained consciousness terrified that the baby hadn't made it but the smile on her face when Jackson walked in with their daughter was enough to light up the entire room. April was a natural with her and Anna took to her immediately making Jackson look on with a content smile but also an annoying tick which he pushed to the back of his mind. The name Annabelle was April's choice, Grace was his but it felt like a good fit for her. It was only after promising that he'd still be there with Anna that April finally conceded & took some morphine that helped her sleep.

She honestly deserved it, she had been amazing & put her life on the line for their daughter. Her scream with that first cut still reverberated in his head & he couldn't get it out, her pain was evident & went through him like a knife was cutting through him as well.

But worse than the scream was the deafening silence that followed, much, much worse. His heart dropped, his knees buckled & he needed to hold on to the hospital counter to stand as he begged for her or Ben to say something. But silence. He could hear Arizona & Bailey saying something to him at a distance but his ears were ringing holding out hope to hear the confirmation that she was okay. The next thing he heard was a shrill cry of a baby, his child was born, seemingly ok and that's when the Ambulance had finally arrived. Jackson realized at the back of his mind that he had become a father, their child was here but all he could concentrate on was the fact that he still didn't know about April. He couldn't breathe, he thought he lost her, his best friend & favorite person. She still was. No matter the pain, the hurt, the abandonment, if he had to choose his favorite person, it was still her & probably always would be. It was only when Ben said that they were on their way & trying to stabilize her was he able to breathe a little. She wasn't dead. The wait for the Ambulance to arrive had been excruciating but he made it through only to run out on its arrival. He couldn't help but yell out for her on opening the doors regardless of knowing that she would be unconscious. But seeing April like that, fragile, barely breathing, hit him in the gut & he could not help but hold her & caress her head, silently praying to a God he didn't believe in, that she be ok because he could not imagine a world where April Kepner did not exist, it was beyond his capability to.

Once April had been taken into surgery & Jackson was sitting with Anna in his arms, waiting for news, his mind started to question him. Question his choices, his reaction, how he pretty much ignored his own new born daughter to make sure his ex-wife was okay first. Jackson brushed it off. Of course, he would worry about April. Ex-wife or not, she was an integral part of his life and had been for years & just because they were divorced, doesn't mean he wouldn't care whether she lives or dies, he's not that kind of a person. He had heard his daughter, her cries, everyone confirmed that she was doing okay but April was the one whose life hung in the balance, that was the reason he focused on her. _The only reason_. It wasn't some deep, startling epiphany or moment of clarity. _Nope, not at all_. She was his oldest, closest friend, mother of his child, of course he didn't want her to die. Of course the thought of her fighting for her life made him choke up  & fight back tears, of course thinking that he might never see her or make her smile or talk to her made him want to throw up, of course picturing her lifeless body made it impossible for him to breathe & of course hearing Bailey say, "she's stable", would make him feel like the stars aligned & all was right in the world. These were completely normal reactions someone has regarding their close friend. There was nothing more to it.

As Jackson sat there, holding Anna & looking at April, he felt a heaviness in his chest thinking about his not-exactly-family but sighed with the satisfaction that everyone was here, everyone was okay & they were still some kind of a family, there were 2 parents, 1 child, all alive & healthy & they can do this. _We can do this_.

 _Pain. Fear._ These were the two overwhelming feelings April had when Ben cut into her. Pain, because she was essentially being sliced open without an ounce of medication, in the middle of her friend's kitchen but even so, even with that kind of mind numbing pain, the fear was worse, much worse. The fear that even after all this, all the pain, all the praying  & all the compromises, there was a still a chance that her, _their_ , child might not make it. She had been serious when she asked Ben to do whatever it took to save the baby. It didn't matter if she didn't make it, she'd leave happily knowing that her child was safe & Jackson would be a tremendous father. Of course, she would have preferred to be able to make it along with the baby and get a chance to be a mother but April knew for a fact that if she made it but the baby didn't, she wouldn't have survived that loss again. She had barely survived it last time with a husband by her side & now even that bit of support wasn't there with her in that capacity. She needed that baby to be okay even if it cost her life, she was willing enough to pay it.

But the pain was still overwhelmingly powerful. She tried to power through it, to let it out with her screams so that she could be able to remain semi coherent long enough to ensure that the baby was delivered safely. She pushed herself as much as she could but eventually the pain took over and made her pass out from it. She could still feel it in her lower abdomen, the searing feeling that shot through her as the sanitizer-covered knife cut through her & April woke with a start.

It took her a second to realize where she was & before the fear could take over, she saw her ex-husband silently dozing off sitting on a couch next to a crib with their daughter in it. Anna was perfect, all cute nose & 10 fingers & 10 toes, she was perfect. As she pressed on for some morphine, a small smile spread on her face as she silently thanked God again for her little miracle. She really had put in all her faith for this baby's safety but the fact that they both had made it out of this alive, she couldn't be more thankful. She was going to be able to raise her & watch her grow & that was what she was going to hold on to even as her heart ached a little as she imagined what could have been if it wasn't for.. _No_. It's the past, that chapter is closed now  & it's probably for the best. Her & Jackson were getting along fine for a while & she was going to focus all her energy on Anna. Her mind was still fuzzy from all the medication and the almost-dying but as she lay there, she felt this sense of peace, like she did when she found out about the pregnancy. It had been her light that helped her make it through a devastating time. Maybe that was the point, maybe their marriage & relationship wasn't meant to work out but at least she & Jackson had created something beautiful & she could live with that.

A while later, April heard Jackson slowly wake up & come around to her bed.

"Hey", He said with a smile, "How are you feeling? Any pain?".

"I'm okay. Nothing a little morphine can't fix", She replied with slight smile, "How's Anna doing?"

"Great. She's quite a sleeper. I hope that sticks.", He chuckled as he looked back at their daughter. "I'm going to run to the vending machines real quick, you need anything?"

"Can you grab me another pillow?"

"Sure". He went to get her another pillow & brought the crib closer to her.

"How long do you think they'll keep me here?" She asked as Jackson adjusted the pillow on her bed.

"A week or so, may be longer if your progress is slow but my guess is that won't happen", He replied as he left the room, grinning, "After all, you're a soldier."

April smiled at that. Yep. She could live with it.

-  
 **What a season, huh. I'm still reeling from it & from all the shit that happened in 12B. But here's my little take on their post 12x24, road to reconciliation. Just something to get us through the helliatus :) **  
**Reviews are always appreciated :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to everyone that reviewed, fav'd or followed!**

As Jackson had predicted, April's recovery was going well and she was cleared to be discharged in a couple of days, provided she promised to take it easy. Arizona & Owen wouldn't stop hounding her and stressing how important it was for her rest especially with a new baby in tow. Even as April promised to do so, none of them were convinced & neither was Jackson. He knew her and knew for a fact that resting for more than a couple of days wasn't really her thing. And with Anna in the mix, it was damn near impossible that she would.

"So April is getting discharged on Thursday?", Ben asked Jackson as they were finishing up with a patient, "You think she's ready?"

"I'm not really sure. Her recovery has been as expected but it can rollback if she doesn't take adequate care of herself. And I know she won't want be away from Anna for long but her taking care of a baby alone is definitely going to put a strain on the recovery.", Jackson replied solemnly.

"Hmm. Maybe she can move in with Arizona for the time being. Or I can ask Miranda.."

"Actually, I was thinking about maybe moving in with her for a couple of weeks.", Jackson interrupted.

"Oh. Really?", Ben seemed confused, "You sure that's a good idea?"

"Why not? You guys will all be busy anyway & I'm entitled to 2 weeks of paternity leave. She won't have to stay away from Anna & I can help April take care of her without exerting herself. I think it makes sense."

"No, I just meant for you both. You don't think it'll be awkward? I mean..", Ben faltered.

"What?", Jackson wasn't in the mood for brainteasers, "Why should it be?"

"Why? You guys are ex-spouses! Who were on the verge of suing each other like 4 months ago. I'm glad you both are getting along now, truly, but maybe be a little cautious? You don't want to create a situation that could affect Anna.", Ben answered cautiously.

Jackson sighed, He had a point but this was different. "April & I are doing great. Better than we have in forever. And this is just while she recovers. I just-", he didn't know how to frame it, didn't know how to tell Ben that he needs to make sure that she recovers fully, that he would be worried sick thinking about her & that he doesn't trust anyone else to take care of her, it was his instinct to protect her. _No_. He couldn't tell him that, he would read too much into it. "I just think it's the most sensible option. One that doesn't compromise on anything."

"You know what, you're right. With both of you on leave, it probably is the best solution. Have you talked to April yet?"

"No, I'm gonna grab a coffee and head over there right now.", Jackson replied, glad that Ben had bought his explanation.

When Jackson walked into April's room 10 minutes later, she was just finishing up nursing Anna & cleaning her up. "How's my girl doing?", Jackson asked. April saw him approach, looking down at Anna with the biggest smile on his face. He looked at her with such pure admiration, April couldn't help but smile too, realizing that it's probably what she looks like too, looking at Anna.

"I just finished feeding her. You'd be happy to know that like her father, she happens to have quite an appetite."

"I'm glad. Love for food will officially be our first bonding topic.", Jackson said, looking back at April who was smiling down at Anna, looking beautiful. _Anna_. Anna was looking beautiful.

"Hey, so I was thinking about you getting discharged..,", Jackson started but was interrupted.

"I know, Jackson. I should take care & take it easy. You all have said it to me 64 thousand times now. Arizona even offered to let me stay at her place but it'll be more of a hassle. But I do realize that you are right. I should not stay alone."

"So I thou-"

"So I was-"

They both started at the same time. "Go ahead.", Jackson said.

"So I thought that rather than staying alone, it'll be better if I had some help. So.. I decided to call my mother here for a couple of weeks.", April continued.

Jackson was mildly taken aback, he had been thinking that they were on the same page regarding this but he schooled his features so that it didn't show, "Oh.", That was all he could muster.

"Yeah, I was talking to her & she said she doesn't mind. I'm on maternity leave anyway so I thought she could help out with Anna too.", April said but noticed Jackson's off expression & hastily added, "We'll still stick to our plan of splitting the week. Considering I'll be on leave, it's totally up to you, we can work around your schedule."

"What? Yeah. That's- umm, that's fine. That makes sense.", Jackson said, trying to shake off the disappointment, "She knows her way around babies so yeah, that makes sense."

"I realized that I would be needing help & she was the first person I thought of.", April replied. That was a lie though, her mom wasn't the first person, but as she looked at the _actual_ first person she had thought of, she knew that that wasn't an option anymore. "I mean it's not my favorite solution, you know how she can be, but it just made the most sense, you know."

"Yeah. I- uh- I agree. She's probably the.. best person to help you.", Jackson said, holding her gaze.

April swallowed, feeling the hair at the back of her neck, like she always did when he looked at her that intensely & looked away hastily, focusing on Anna, "Yeah."

"Hey man.", Ben caught up with Jackson as he was heading out of a meeting later that evening. "Board meeting?"

"Hey. Yeah, just the usual.", Jackson had been distracted since his talk with April, trying to shake off the disappointment & even a little anger. This had always been the plan. They were sticking to it. There was no reason, _no reason he would admit to, anyway_.

"So, everything settled with April?", Ben asked, nonchalantly.

"Huh?", Jackson said, finally paying attention, "What about April?"

Ben looked at him oddly, "Everything settled? About the moving in?"

"Oh. Umm. No. Slight change of plans. Her mom is actually going to come stay with her for some time. Help her get better and take care of Anna."

"Hmm. Well. That's actually a pretty smart idea.", Ben replied, not noticing the frown on Jackson's face, "She obviously would be able to her out. And help her get accustomed to being a new mother."

"Yep.", Jackson replied, curtly.

Ben, finally noticing, said, "Wait. What about you? When will you be having Anna?"

"We'll be splitting the week, as decided. And in that case, I don't really need to take the leave, I'll just take an extra one or two days off."

"Look, man. I know that it's hard, that you would want to spend more time with your newborn daughter. I'm really sorry. But you know, once April recovers & a routine sets in, it'll get better.", Ben said, attempting to empathize with his friend but not saying what was truly on his mind. That this wasn't just about Anna, this was about April too. He knew it & Jackson knew it too but he always got defensive when anyone suggested that he might not be as over their relationship as he pretends.

Jackson just smiled in response, "Thanks. I'm sure it will.", not caring that his smile reached nowhere close to his eyes.

On Thursday, Jackson helped April with her discharge while Arizona offered to pick up her mom from the airport. Now, they were outside the hospital, with Jackson getting Anna settled in to the car seat & April hovering behind him.

"Be careful.", she said, for what seemed to Jackson, like the 10th time.

"I _am_ being careful. Will you calm down? Just sit down, I got this."

"Are you sure you strapped her in properly?", she asked as Jackson closed the door to the backseat.

"Of course not, I left it unbuckled & am going to drive through the road with the most potholes so she flies off the car seat.", Jackson replied, dryly. "Do you want to check it too?", he asked seeing her not-so-amused expression.

"If you say so.", she replied, chirpily & went in to check.

"Hey, don't bend too much, you just had surgery, remember?"

"Okay. All done, now we can go.", she replied, once convinced.

"I'm sorry about that, I know I'm being hyper crazy.", April said, once they were on their way, "It's not that I don't trust you with her, it's just going to take some time for the paranoia to subside, you know."

"Yeah, I do. It's okay, I understand.", Jackson replied, smiling. "So.", he said after a beat, "You excited to see your mom?"

"Well.. Yes & no. I haven't seen her in forever & know that having her here will be a help but you know how overbearing she can be, so I'm just hoping she doesn't make me want to kill her in these 2 weeks."

"Good luck with that.", he chuckled, making her laugh slightly, "okay but honestly, just how much does she hate me right now? Should I be skeptical of any food items she offers me?"

April rolled her eyes at that, shaking her head slightly, "See that's the thing about being religious, technically, she's not _allowed_ to hate you. Don't worry about her."

Jackson raised his eyebrows at her, unconvinced, he was sure that Karen must hate him with every fiber of her being. After all, he divorced her daughter & got her pregnant in the process too. If he was being honest, even he hated himself a little for it.

"Okay. You might not be her favorite person. But it's not like she wanted to sue you or anything. You'll be fine.", April quipped.

"Right..", Jackson stated, remembering his own mother's behavior towards April.

Things between April & Catherine had simmered down following the days of Anna's birth. She was completely taken with her granddaughter & had admitted to him that she admired April for what she went through to protect Anna. They had even talked & it was civil but there was underlying tension which would take some time to subside but there was progress there.

Once they reached the apartment, Jackson helped April put away all the baby supplies he had bought, half for her place, half for his. "Just let me know if you need anything else. Seriously, no matter what the time is.", Jackson said, as he sat on the couch, with Anna in his arms. He would stop by before work the next day but he wasn't going to be with her for long for a couple of days so he thought he'd spend some time with her before Karen came.

"I'll keep that in mind.", April said, rolling her eyes. She knew Jackson's over protectiveness was not going to go anywhere. She went to the bathroom to change into something more comfortable & when she returned, she stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall, watching Jackson whisper cute nothings to Anna, holding her fingers delicately in his hand. She couldn't help the tears that prickled her eyes at the sight, how it seemed so normal but everything was so different now. But it was the pure joy in Jackson's face that made it seem worth it. She knew he hadn't been able to recover fully from Samuel and he was such a natural with Anna that it made her realize even more just how much he must have suffered during that nightmare. April broke out of her thought and smiled when she heard Jackson chuckle. "Are you laughing at our daughter?", She said as she made her way to the couch.

Jackson rolled his eyes, playfully. "No, she just does the cutest little nose twitch thing, it's so freaking cute.", he said as April sat next to him.

"You're good with her.", she said softly, looking at him.

"She's perfect.", he said, looking up at April & locking eyes with her.

"Yeah.", she whispered, not leaving his gaze.

A knock on the door broke them out of the trance. "I'll get that.", April said as she rushed towards the door. Jackson took a deep breath, shaking off the moment they had just shared & looked down at Anna as he stood up with her in his arms.

April opened the door & saw her mom standing there with Arizona. "Hi Mom!", she stepped in for a hug when her mom entered.

"Hey, sweetheart. Oh I am so glad you both are okay.", Karen said, hugging April back, tightly. "Arizona here told me everything in detail, which you had conveniently left out."

"Arizona!", April scolded, she didn't want her mother to know everything about the ordeal she went through, it'd just make her worry more.

"I'm sorry! I thought she knew! & when I tried to backtrack, she stared me down until I told.", Arizona explained, guiltily, "But hey what's there to hide? You're okay now & everyone should know what a badass you were. Super Kepner.", She continued as the three women made their way to the living room.

"I totally agree.", Jackson's voice added as he walked towards them holding Anna. "Karen.", he nodded, smiling.

The smile on Karen's face transformed into something more akin to a frown, "Dr. Avery.", she nodded her head, curtly.

Jackson nodded his head, his smile less pronounced, he had expected this so he wasn't really surprised, "I hope your flight was pleasant."

"It was, thank you.", Karen replied, trying to be polite.

Arizona looked between the three remaining adults & saw that April was about to snap at her mom so she cut in, "So Karen, why don't you say hello to your little granddaughter. She's unbelievably adorable!", she added excitedly as she felt a pang of loss remembering that her own daughter was moving across the country.

Jackson handed Anna over to Karen quickly. "Oh my.", Karen said looking at her granddaughter who she'd only seen pictures of, "Oh honey, she's even more beautiful in person.", she smiled up at April.

April who was slightly annoyed at Karen's cold behavior towards Jackson, softened instantly, a smile spreading on her face. "I know."

"I should get going. I'll drop by tomorrow morning before my shift & I was serious before. Anything you need me to get, you call. Okay?", Jackson told April after a few minutes, running his hand softly over Anna's head. "And April. You are still recovering so-"

"I will take care of myself, Jackson!", April interrupted, as they walked towards the door.

"Good! I'll know if you don't.", Jackson quipped, "See ya."

"Bye. Thanks for everything!"

"Yeah cause I was the one that got practically cut in half. Stop talking nonsense & get rest. Bye.", Jackson left, shaking his head.

April closed the door with a smile & turned to see Arizona looking at her weirdly. "What?", April asked defensively.

"Nothing."

An hour later, once Arizona left, April came into the living room again where Karen was still cradling Anna. "What was that?", April demanded.

"What?", Karen asked, confused.

"With Jackson. What was that?"

"I just didn't know he would be here.", Karen replied, looking back at Anna.

"He was helping me. & he's Anna's father, he's _going_ to be here so you need to get better at being civil."

Karen just scoffed in response.

"Mom!", April said, sternly.

"I just think that if he was so interested in being around Anna & so concerned for your well- being, maybe he should-".

"We are not talking about this.", April cut off, going to take Anna who was starting to get fussy. "Jackson is a part of Anna's life & by extension, a part of mine. It might not be in the capacity you like but you will behave nicely. Clear?"

"Fine.", Karen huffed.

Two days later, Jackson came by to pick up Anna. Tomorrow was his day off & he was looking forward to spending time with her and considering he had very little experience handling infants, he had enlisted his own mother & Richard for help, albeit reluctantly but he needed help, at least in the beginning.

"How are you feeling? How's the pain?", Jackson asked as he walked in.

"It's getting better. But you know, it won't fix overnight. Do you _have_ to ask me this everyday?"

 _Yes_.

"You never know.", Jackson replied lamely.

April shook her head, "Anyway, I just finished cleaning Anna up. But is it okay for you wait for like 10 minutes so I can feed her? That way she'll be set for the night."

"Sure, No problem!"

He stood awkwardly as April thanked him and left him alone with Karen sitting on the couch.

"You can sit down.", Karen said.

"I'm fine, thanks", Jackson replied, clearing his throat. Things were still chilly between them. Whenever he dropped by, he only got cold glances from her.

"Listen, Karen.", Jackson started, carefully, "Umm, Mrs Kepner. I know I'm not your favorite person right now & I get it but I need you to know that I still do care about April."

Karen narrowed her eyes at that, "Is that so?"

Jackson ignored the quip & continued, " & Anna is the single most important thing in my life now, regardless of the circumstances, so I'm going to do whatever it takes to give her the best life possible. I just want you to know that."

Karen sighed, getting up from the couch & walked up to Jackson, "Look, Jackson. No, you're not my favorite person right now because I don't think one should give on marriage that easily & certainly not get their wife pregnant while giving up on it."

Jackson swallowed roughly, he had that coming.

"I'm not going to pin all the blame on you but _that_ you are responsible for. And if anything had happened to April during the birth-", tears filled Karen's eyes  & Jackson breathed deeply & looked away for a beat, he couldn't go there, couldn't think about that possibility. "You both went through a lot of suffering in the past few years so now I hope you realize how big of a mistake that impulsive action in that barn was."

Jackson wanted to stop her, to refute it. Because no matter what, no matter the pain they went through, if was given an option to do it over, he still would get up at that barn, still burn his life to the ground, he didn't regret a second of the time he spent with April & wouldn't trade it for the world. But he knew he couldn't say that to Karen.

"You both have a child now. She's the priority & I'm glad you understand that & I hope you stick to your word but I remember you telling me something very similar a few years ago so don't mind if I don't have a lot of faith in your word."

Jackson nodded, softly, remembering his & April's first trip to Moline after eloping where he had promised her parents to give her an amazing life. He had really tried but the universe had other plans for them & giving her that life went out of his control.

He heard April walk in with Anna in the car seat and a bag with her supplies & stepped towards her immediately, "Here, let me take that."

"Thanks. So the milk bottles are in there, I think they should be enough. I tried giving her a bottle this morning just to test it out & I think she'll be okay. Do not hesitate to call for anything. Okay?"

"You got it.", Jackson said as April lifted Anna into her arms, tears filling her eyes, "Be good to your Dad. Mommy loves you, baby girl. I'll miss you.", she said as she kissed her cheeks.

Jackson felt a sharp pain as he watched them. It wasn't supposed to be this way, sometimes he really hated things. "Hey, maybe we can Facetime with your Mommy tomorrow. What say, Anna? You'd like that, huh?", Jackson suggested when April put her back in the car seat.

April looked at him, her tear filled eyes making way to a beautiful smile, "Thank you!"

"Anytime.", Jackson replied, his smile mirroring hers.

Karen looked at the exchange from the living room between her daughter & former son-in-law. Jackson & April's relationship had always confused her. It confused when her shy, studious daughter's best friend was some rich guy, confounded her when he declared his love for April in the middle of her wedding & pleasantly surprised her when she saw them in their marriage before God threw curveballs after curveballs at them & tore them apart. But there was something there that defied understanding. She had 3 other daughters, all of whom had found husbands but none of those relationships were quite like Jackson & April's. The intensity with which they loved, how protective they had been of each other, how painful it was when they separated. It was more... Epic. Like something bigger was at play there. She didn't want her daughter to get hurt again but even as she looked on as April thanked him for his suggestion and their eyes remained on each other's longer than what could be considered friendly, she knew whatever plans God had for them, will be played out, whether she liked it or not & there were certainly plans there.

April walked with Jackson to the door. "I'll bring her back day after tomorrow before work. If the need to see her gets too much to handle, call.", Jackson said, stepping out of the house.

"Thanks. And listen, anything my mom said, I just-"

"It was nothing, don't worry about it. See you in a couple of days."

 **Went a slight different route here. Let me know what you think. I feel that Jackson is nothing if not stubborn & April is still, understandably, hurt so she has her walls up. It's about how they overcome. **  
**Reviews are love! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**New Chapter :) Thanks to everyone that reviewed, fav'd or followed! & to everyone that had concerns, I hope this chapter addresses it, I wanted to spread it out a bit.**

April walked into her room about an hour after Jackson left with Anna, after Karen settled in for the night. She had done it, she had sent Anna off with Jackson for 2 days & managed to keep herself together in front of him & her mother. But now, as she sat on her bed, she couldn't help the tears pouring out of her eyes & the breaths coming in pants. April knew she had to be quiet, she couldn't wake Karen up so she was trying her level best to keep her hyperventilation to a minimum. She let her tears soak her pillow as she buried her face in it, lying down. The facade of strength & calm broke and all she could do was let it out. This was the plan, they were respecting the plan, they weren't fighting and were doing what was best for Anna, April thought this would have made her happy. But she wanted to scream, she wanted answers. _Why_ was it like this? It wasn't fair, it wasn't supposed to be this way. She wasn't supposed to be away from her newborn daughter, she wasn't supposed to be a single mother divorced from the man whom she had loved more than life itself, they should have been raising her  & spoiling her & protecting her together. She might make peace with this situation, she might settle but she'll never be happy about it. She thought she could live with it but only just realized how hard living with it was going to be.

April lasted a whole additional hour before caving in & calling Jackson after debating with herself for 10 minutes. She was just calling to check up. No big deal.

"April?", Jackson answered on the second ring.

"Hey."

"Everything okay?"

"Uhh yeah. Just wanted to check in on Anna. Is she doing okay?", April asked, trying to sound nonchalant. The last thing she needed was for Jackson to find out about her little meltdown.

"Yeah. She's asleep now but was a little fussy about the new surroundings for a while. But she calmed down.", Jackson replied, as he settled on his own bed.

"Okay, good. That's good.", April's voice caught in her throat.

"April, how are you doing?"

"Me? I'm fine, I told you. Nothing new here."

" _Really_?", he replied sarcastically. He knew her, probably better than anyone else on the planet  & the last thing she was, was fine. Hell, he himself found staying away from Anna for extended periods of time torturous, he couldn't imagine what she must be going through.

"Yes, really. I just wanted to make sure that she wasn't being difficult. I'm glad to hear she isn't. So Richard & Catherine are coming tomorrow morning?"

"Yeah.", he sighed, realizing that she wasn't going to reveal anything else. "I'm just glad I didn't have to call her now in panic, I wouldn't have heard the end of it.", he chuckled.

She laughed with him, "I was confident you'd be fine, even if they weren't coming tomorrow. Anna is already becoming Daddy's girl. Trying to pry her away from me, are you?", April said as a joke but the comment made her tense. She shouldn't have said that.

"I uh-", Jackson didn't know how to respond to that. Of course he wasn't going to try to take Anna away & April knew that but the comment just made him realize just how close he had come to doing just that. That whole patch of their 'relationship' was just a source of awkwardness.

"Ignore that. Just my stupid self making fabulously stupid jokes that flop.", April tried to brush it off.

"April, are you sure tha-"

"I'm fine, Jackson. I honestly only wanted to check in before sleeping. It's your night to get a disturbed sleep, mister. While I sleep away soundly.", She cut him off, trying to lighten the mood.

"Okay. I think she's good for the night. Good call on feeding her. I mean, I'll be prepared if she needs more but still.", Jackson replied solemnly.

"Good, I'm glad.", she replied and they were both quiet for a few seconds.

"I miss her.", April murmured, finally breaking the silence.

Jackson felt another sting as her heard the pain in her voice, "I know, April. Honestly, I do. Do you want me to-"

"Goodnight, Jackson. Enjoy your time with her. I'll see you both in a couple of days.", April interrupted him and cut the call without giving him a chance to respond.

Jackson stared at his phone for a few seconds before sighing and angling his head back & resting it on the headboard. He had 30 different things going on in his head but he decided what he had to do. He had a phone call to make.

April was having green tea the next morning when she heard the door knock. She frowned and looked at the clock to check the time and it was 7:10 am making her even more confused because they weren't expecting anyone to show up this early. Noticing that her mom was in the bathroom, April walked over to the door, opening it and seeing a very chipper looking ex-husband on the other side, car seat in one hand & a paper bag in the other with a bag on his shoulder.

"Jackson?", suffice to say, she as confused.

"Good! You're awake.", Jackson said, with a smile, entering the apartment, walking right past April & her startled expression, "Here, I got you & Karen a couple of muffins.", he said, handing her the paper bag as April closed the door and he walked right in.

April stood there holding the muffins for a few seconds before collecting her thoughts and following Jackson in.

"So.. How'd you sleep?", Jackson asked as he set the car seat and bag down.

"Fantastic. Can I see my daughter now, please.", April said, eyeing the car seat.

"She's all yours."

April walked over and unbuckled & lifted Anna into her arms, "Hi there!", she said kissing her baby. Jackson looked on holding Anna's bottles in his hand and saw the smile on April's face, rivaling the one she had on her face when they ran out of the barn holding onto each other's hands for dear life. He had to swallow roughly to keep the emotions that had flooded through him, in check.

"Little Miss Anna, here, got up particularly energetic at 5.", he said, clearing his throat, "So thought we'd take an early morning drive & you know just happened to pass by."

April side-eyed his obvious lie as she sat on the couch with Anna, Jackson sitting next to them. "I did feed her before coming in case you're thinking that I came because I couldn't and needed help."

She laughed at that, eyes never leaving Anna, "Noted." They sat there for a few minutes quietly as April stared at and nuzzled Anna with Jackson's eyes darting between mother & daughter. Karen walked in a few minutes later, surprised to see the new additions in the living room.

"Good morning, Karen.", Jackson said politely.

"Jackson.", she nodded, "And how's my little angel doing?", she said, reaching out for Anna and taking her from April.

"I think her diaper needs changing, I was just going to do that.", April said, as she handed her over.

"Oh, I'll take care of it.", Karen replied as she walked out of the room to change her.

Both Jackson & April's eyes followed her out and then met as they smiled.

"Jackson..", April started as she looked away awkwardly, "Thank you for bringing her over, seriously. But I hope I didn't make you feel weird when I called yesterday. I honestly just wanted to check up. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"Stop.", Jackson interrupted as he hesitantly placed his hand on hers, "April, never feel like you can't call me about Anna or about anything, really. We're doing this together. Me & you. And this arrangement will only work if we're honest with each other & communicate openly."

She nodded at that, still staring at their joined hands.

"I mean,", he continued, "there's always a chance that one of us needs her around on a day that happens to be the other's. I want us to be open enough to be able to approach each other. I would never want to keep her away from you when you really needed her."

April looked up at him, locking eyes and smiled. Sometimes, she wondered exactly how & why had she fallen for Jackson as hard as she had, but then he turned around and said things like this & she knew that she never really stood a chance.

"Thank you. I really appreciate that, Jackson. Really."

"She's way too young to be splitting time anyway.", He said reluctantly, pulling his hand away.

"What? No no no. Jackson.."

"It's okay, you still need time with her, I understand."

"Jackson. No.", April said firmly. "We need her to get to know you, to be comfortable around you and your house. And I can handle myself. That's what we had decided. It's okay. Really."

"April - "

"We've decided this and we're sticking to it, no discussion."

"Fine.", Jackson sighed, "But I have a condition."

"Okay?"

"Anna will stay with me on my days off every other week, not every week. That should be enough to make her comfortable. The days I'm supposed to have her, I'll take her with me the night before so you can rest and get the night off. But on the day of, you'll come by and spend the day at my place. With Anna there. Atleast while you're on leave."

"Jackson we don't have to-"

"We'll do this or you'll be keeping her the entire time for now. Choose."

April couldn't form words to express what she felt. Of course she didn't want to spend any time away from her daughter but she didn't want Jackson to feel like she was hogging all the time with her and not giving them alone time. But this suggestion and the conviction with which he said it, she just wished she could lean over and kiss him.

"Okay.", she replied in a small voice, "I'll come over. I guess I can dri-"

"Yeah, right.", Jackson scoffed, "Like that's gonna happen. Don't worry about the commute. Just be ready." He knew she needed this. She was trying to be strong and fair but he never, for once believed that she was okay with being away from Anna and last night's phone call just confirmed it. After deciding to call his mom and cancel for today, he stayed up a long time trying to figure out the best plan for their situation because he was pretty sure April would not be receptive to stopping the time splitting all together. And looking over and watching the small smile that refused to leave April's face, he was convinced that this was the right call.

They developed a comfortable rhythm after that. Karen left once April was completely cleared by Arizona. Jackson came by April's place for 15 minutes everyday before work, muffins in hand and once every two weeks, April was driven to Jackson's place by a chipper Arizona or a friendly Ben or an extremely grumpy Alex. She stayed at his place all day and helped make his house a home for Anna.

But Jackson was very particular about April not exerting or putting any extra stress on herself. Even though it had been a month since she had been cleared, he still made sure she was being accompanied when she stepped out and had someone driving her everywhere. She decided that she'd had it. She was done being babied around.

"I'm driving myself to your place tomorrow.", April told Jackson as he was collecting Anna's things to take to his place.

"No, you're not."

"Yes. I am.", She was willing to fight him on this, "I've been deemed completely fit and I'm tired of being treated like a child when I'm completely capable of getting around. You do realize-"

"April, breathe.", Jackson smiled, as he took all of Anna's things and picked up her car seat.

"Okay.", she calmed down, "Thank you."

"You're welcome!", he replied and continued after a beat, as he stepped out, "I'll let you know who's picking you up tomorrow!"

"JACKS-"

"See ya tomorrow!", he called out, closing the door behind him.

A while later, April was still huffing and fuming while angrily poking at her food, "INSENSITIVE, CONTROLLING-"

She knew exactly who was calling when her phone rang, "NO, Jackson.", She answered before he could even say anything.

Jackson smiled on the other end, she was so cute when she got angry for not getting her way, "Alex will be there at 8."

"I won't be here. I'm gonna leave at 7.30 and get there on my own."

"April, don't be difficult."

"I AM NOT HADICAPPED. Let me do things on my own! I'm driving myself and that's that."

"April-"

"No."

"FINE. Do you remember how, though? Right- gas, left- brake, ok?"

"Oh shut up.", April replied, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay, okay", Jackson said, rolling his eyes, "See ya tomorrow. Please reach in one piece."

"Bye Jackson.", with that, she hung up.

Jackson was pacing. It was 8.45am and April had messaged him that she was on her way 45 minutes ago. His place was a 15 minute drive from April's, 20 if you were slow, 30 if you basically were following a bicycle the whole way but 45 minutes was too much of a stretch.

Anna was awake, strapped in her stroller, he had thought they'd take her for a stroll in a park nearby. "Ugh. I knew it. I KNEW I shouldn't have listened to her stupidity.", Jackson mumbled as he reached for his phone again, dialing her number.

He threw his phone on the couch angrily when the call went to voice mail again and slumped on to the couch and buried his face in his hands.

When he heard the door knock, he practically tripped over himself running towards it.

"Good morning!", a smiling April said as she stepped in to his place.

"Are you kidding?", Jackson frowned.

"What?"

"Where the hell have you been? Are you ok? Are you hurt?", Jackson came over and started looking her over for injuries.

"No! Why would you think that?", April asked, confused. "I'm fine, Jackson."

"Well then, what the hell took you so long? and why weren't you answering your phone?", he asked, anger rising up in him. He was scared half to death & she was being so nonchalant.

" _Well_... I stopped to get muffins for you.", She replied, indignantly, lifting her hand and showing the paper bag, "The shop was crowded so it took a while and my phone was in my bag so I didn't hear it. And come on, it's not like I was missing for 2 hours, just like 20 minutes, it happens. Can you ease up a bit now?"

"Sorry, I uh- I was just a little worried." Little was probably the understatement of the century but still, "Just keep your phone on you?"

"I will. Sorry if I freaked you out.", she said sincerely.

"No it's fine.", Jackson said as they both stepped towards Anna.

As April took Anna in her arms, Jackson tried to shake the discomfort he had been feeling the past few minutes. _She's here. She's okay._ He could once again write off his worry to the fact that he didn't want anything to happen to her because she was the mother of his child but there was no denying that he over reacted. Being 20 minutes late in Seattle is a very common occurrence. But the thought of anything happening to her made him hyperventilate and when he saw her at the door, a weight lifted off his chest and he could breathe.

He schooled his features to be calm when she looked up at him but he knew, in his heart, he wasn't doing very well at the whole moving on thing.

 **Let me know what you think :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to everyone that continues to review! and thanks for all the fav's and follows, it makes me happy! Neww chapter :)**

"You think she's ready? She'll be okay, right?", April asked Jackson for the third time in the past 5 minutes as they got Anna ready at her place. It was April's first day back at the Hospital, her maternity leave ended and she had been cleared to resume work but that didn't make her feel any better about having to leave her 3-month old at a daycare with strangers. "What if the people there are terrible? ", she asked yet another question.

"April", Jackson chuckled, "we've known Amanda for years, she's great with kids and you know it. Trust me, Anna is ready. And we're both going to be at work all day so you can go check up on her whenever you want. Between the two of us, I doubt she's going to be alone there for long, anyway. We've been through this."

"I know, I just-"

"Listen, let's just leave. Maybe you'll feel better when you're there.", Jackson said, before she could ask him anymore questions.

"Yeah, okay. You're right. Let's go.", April agreed and they started towards the door with Anna when Jackson suddenly halted and turned towards her.

"What _if_ she's really not ready, though?", A wave of fear suddenly washed over him, April was getting to him.

"No, she's ready. Let's go before we both change our minds."

"Yeah, Go- Let's- Now. Yeah.", Jackson agreed as they hurried out of April's apartment.

Handing Anna off at the daycare was hard, she didn't take to strangers easily and Jackson could already see her becoming fussy once Amanda, the daycare incharge, took her carrier. He knew that neither he nor April would be able to step out if she started crying. April was going over Anna's routine with Amanda and giving her all the instructions needed.

In the meantime Jackson picked up Anna and nuzzled her cheek, giving her a quick kiss, "Alright, hon. Don't worry, Mommy & Daddy are here and will keep coming by to check on you. Be nice to Amanda, okay. I love you.", he said, hugging her close as she buried her face in his neck.

"If anything, literally anything, comes up. Don't hesitate to page me or Dr Avery. We'll be around during the day and I'll come by to pick her up at the end of my shift.", April ended her instructions and looked over as Jackson handed over Anna to her.

"You're Mommy's strong girl, aren't you, Anna?", April said, choking up, "You can be brave, right? Mommy loves you, sweety.", She kissed her and started lightly bouncing her in her arms and looked up at Amanda, "I'm serious, if anything at all comes-"

"Don't worry, Dr Kepner. I'll make sure that you both get paged if anything is needed.", Amanda replied, with a kind smile, she was used to new parents freaking out while leaving their kids for the first time.

April handed Anna over and walked out of the daycare without looking back because she wasn't sure that she could handle it if she did.

"Hey, she'll be okay.", Jackson said soothingly as they stepped out.

"It's so silly. I've been away from her before.", she replied, remembering the nights Jackson had Anna, " and I can come by and visit so often. Why am I being like this.", she was shaking her head.

"I don't think it's as much about being away from her as it's about what this means. It's a new phase for her. Staying without either of her parents. I find it overwhelming too. I mean we haven't even had any of our friends look after her yet.", Jackson replied, "But she'll be fine.", he said reassuringly.

"Yeah.", she smiled at him, "Don't you have Dan's septum repair today? Are you excited?"

"Hell yeah.", Jackson replied enthusiastically. Dan was his 9 year old patient whose nose had broken terribly in a car accident. They had done most of the internal repair and now had the final surgery for the septum and nose reconstruction. "It was so distorted in the accident and Dan's such a good kid, he's been so strong through all of it. And he's practically giddy at the thought of being through it. So am I."

"Well, I'm glad. You'll be great!"

He looked at her and saw the belief in her eyes. She genuinely believed it. No one had as much trust and faith in his capabilities as April. While Mark had helped him develop the skills as a plastic surgeon, it was April who gave him the confidence and push to be able to trust himself to apply them. He wouldn't be where he was without either of them. "Thank you. Good luck on your first day back.", he said solemnly.

"Thank you.", April noticed the shift in his expression and her eyes lowered involuntarily, she couldn't look at his intense stare, "I should umm get going. See ya."

"Yeah.", he turned and walked away smiling to himself.

April walked in to the ER with a big smile glad to be getting back to work after such a long break.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the badassiest new mom of the Pacific Northwest!", Meredith spoke up when she saw April approaching, "Welcome back!"

"Hey Mer!", April said, giving her a hug, "oh, it's so good to be back."

"Well, we missed you here. How's Anna doing? Off at daycare?"

"Yeah, I'm still skeptical about that.", April replied nervously.

"Don't be.", Meredith replied, waving it off, "I've had three kids spend a considerable amount of time there. And they all still have ten fingers and ten toes so how bad can it be, really?"

"That's reassuring", April chuckled.

"Hey you really think I take Anna's safety lightly? That kid was born on my kitchen table, we are bonded right from her birth", Meredith said confidently.

"You mean she and your furniture are bonded", April laughed, "And about that, if you would just let me pay for-"

"You've been back for all of 3 minutes and you're already bringing this up? I told you, you aren't paying for anything. I'm just glad you were at home and you both are okay, I couldn't give a flying fart about that table.", Meredith interrupted, sternly.

"Okay, okay."

"Now you better have new pictures for me."

"I do.", April giggled as she took out her phone but before she could, they were interrupted by a nurse.

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Kepner. We have a trauma coming in. Multiple gunshots to the abdomen."

"What do you say, Kepner? Are those hands ready for surgery?", Meredith teased.

"Ohh bring it.", April replied as they rushed out. She absolutely loved the past three months with her daughter but really missed being in an OR and saving lives.

April walked into the Attending's lounge with a huge smile on her face, her surgery had gone great and they had been able to bring the patient from the brink of death. She had missed the rush and satisfaction of saving someone's life so she felt particularly invigorated. She entered and saw Jackson sitting on the bench with his back facing away from her and started excitedly, "Hey Jackson!"

He sat up at that, "Hey.", he replied, "How's it going?"

"Fantastic.", she continued as she walked over to his side, "So there was this gunshot victim. Like 3 bullets in the abdomen. So much blood and he was so close to not making it & Mer & I were- Jackson?", she stopped when she noticed the expression on his face. "Hey, what's wrong?", she asked sitting down next to him, "Is everything oka- _No_.", she realized that there could only be one thing that could make him that sad today.

"He didn't make it. The anesthesia, it-", he couldn't continue.

April knew Jackson was crushed. He had really taken to Dan and had been talking about him constantly since he became his patient a month ago. "Jackson", she placed her hand on his shoulder as he buried his face in his hands, "I am so sorry. I know how much he meant to y-"

"It's my fault", Jackson interrupted, "I failed him."

"What? No. You did everything you could. Hey, ", she got up & kneeled down in front of him and forced him to look up at her, "This is **not** your fault."

"I should have waited longer, let him recover fully from the earlier surgery.", Jackson said, choking up.

"He was cleared by everyone. He was ready, sometimes things just-"

"He was a kid, April. He should be here, he shouldn't be in a fucking morgue right now."

"I know, I **know**.", she knew how hard it was losing patients, especially kids, "but believe me", she placed her hands on his face and forced him to keep eye contact, "this wasn't your fault, you were the best doctor he could have hoped for, you have to know that."

"Those parents lost their son. They were counting on me and I couldn't save him."

April could hear him breaking and she knew this was much bigger than just Dan and she couldn't see him fall apart like that. In that moment, all she wanted to do was be there for him, like she hadn't been able to before so she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and hugged him with everything she had, "I am so, **so** sorry, Jackson."

Jackson slowly lifted his arms and wrapped it around April and hugged her tightly as he stuffed his face in her hair. Losing Dan crushed him, it was supposed to be a relatively simple surgery, one he had done hundreds of times but sometimes things just went sideways for no good reason and now his parents were left childless. He knew that feeling well and was being forced to relive it. Having April there was the all keeping him from completely breaking down.

As they broke apart, Jackson kept his hands on April's shoulders & she kept her eyes on the floor. As soon as she looked up at him, she knew it was a mistake. Jackson's eyes fell to her lips & back, and his hands cupped her face softly and she could feel herself move towards him an inch. It was that damn pull that refused to go away but she collected herself in time and broke their eye contact, pulling away and getting up.

"We umm- you know what", she added as she regulated her breathing and schooled her tone to become normal, "Let's go upstairs to the daycare. I haven't been there yet and seeing Anna will cheer you up. Come on.", she said in an upbeat tone as she turned towards the door, willing the warmth in her cheeks to vanish.

Jackson breathed out and swallowed roughly before getting up to follow her. He didn't know why he couldn't shake her, why his body still responded so strongly to her presence. He had wanted to kiss her so badly, it was unreal and would have too if it weren't for April being smart and pulling away in time. He tried to shake it off as they entered the daycare but it would be in the back of his mind for a while.

Seeing Anna made him instantly feel better and as he held her, he, once again, was so glad she was okay and she was real.

Over the next couple of months Jackson & April tried to limit most of their conversations to Anna and her well being. They started fully splitting the week and working around each other's schedules so that they both got as much time with Anna as possible. They tried to shake off their moment and the almost kiss but found it difficult. Neither of them brought it up. April refused to read too much into it and attributed it to Jackson being upset and seeking comfort whereas he declared it a moment of weakness. The co-parenting was going well and the last thing they needed was any form of complication that could adversely affect their arrangement.

Jackson was just done with a consult and had a couple of hours before his surgery so he made his way to the daycare to see Anna. As he approached, he saw April there with Anna in her arms playing with her. He stopped short outside and watched them through the glass, angling himself in a way that April couldn't see him. April lifted Anna up and nuzzled her cheek that cause Anna to giggle infectiously and Jackson couldn't help the smile that spread across his face. He was always amazed by how natural April was with her and how perfect she looked with a baby in her arms. As Anna tried to reach for April's face, hitting her lightly, April burst out laughing and his stomach actually fluttered at the look on her face.

"Wow you need to cut it out.", Jackson heard a voice behind him that broke him out of his spell.

"What do you want, Karev?", Jackson replied without moving his eyes from the scene in front of him.

"I want you to stop looking at Kepner like you want to go knock her up again. Can you do that?", Alex quipped, coming up to stand next to him, also looking at April & Anna.

"I'm looking at my daughter."

"Well if that's the way you look at your _daughter_ , that's seriously creepy."

Jackson finally turned to look at Alex, extremely annoyed at him, "What's your problem?"

Alex became serious, "What exactly are you doing?"

"I'm not _doing_ anything.", Jackson replied curtly, his annoyance rising by the second.

"That divorce put her through hell. The divorce _you_ wanted."

And now Jackson was seriously pissed. "Really? And you think I _enjoyed_ it? It didn't put _me_ through hell?"

"Well considering that _you're_ the one who pushed for it, if it did, you only have yourself to blame. Look Kepner is-", Alex struggled to find words, he was never the one to express himself, "She's strong but there's only so much she can take. Don't put her through that again. The way you keep looking at her-"

Jackson didn't want to hear it, he thought he was doing a good job of keeping his obvious feelings for April to himself but apparently not. "I don't know what you're talking about", he interrupted while turning back to look through the glass, "I was looking at Anna."

"No. You weren't. And you know it.", Alex said before walking away.

Jackson heard him walk away and roughly swallowed at the thought that even someone as uninterested in other's life as Alex Karev had seen right through him. Jackson turned and walked away from the daycare, he couldn't have handled talking to April, even though all he wanted was to talk to her.

The next day during lunch, Jackson stepped out to get a coffee and was waiting for his order when he got a call and was caught up for a couple of minutes. After getting done, he walked up to the counter to ask if his coffee was done.

"Umm, that woman over there just took that order.", the barista said.

"What?", Jackson whipped around to see a woman carrying his cup and walking away.

"I thought she was with you-", he heard the barista call out.

"Excuse me. Hi. I think you've taken my order by mistake.", Jackson stopped her but saw that she had already started drinking from it, "And I see you've already had some, it's fine."

The girl looked horrified as she swallowed quickly, "Oh my God, I am so so so so sorry! I was reading a text and didn't even realize, I'm such a spaz."

"No seriously, it's no big deal. I shouldn't have even stopped you, it was just reflex.", Jackson smiled at her trying to walk back to place another order.

"Please let me buy you your coffee."

"Oh! That's really not needed. I appreciate the offer though.", Jackson tried letting her off the hook.

"Please.", she smiled up at him, "I insist. I'm very protective of my coffee so I can only imagine what I would have done if someone took mine away. One coffee?"

Jackson knew the look, he had been on the receiving end of it many times. Although she was trying to be subtle, he knew what the one coffee was. He looked at her closely, she looked to be in her early 30's and was pretty. She was the wrong height though, had the wrong hair color and the wrong smile but those things were exactly what Jackson had to get out of his head. Might as well take a step to do so.

"Okay Sure. If you insist.", Jackson replied putting on his most charming smile.

"Perfect. Let's go.", she blushed, "I'm Lisa by the way."

"Jackson."

The next morning Jackson heard his alarm and he woke up groggily, turning to look towards his desk clock. He turned off the alarm and buried his face back into his pillow. The last thing he wanted to do today was to go to work and even more so go to work and face April.

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	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks again for the reviews, fav's & follows!**

 **New chapter, Mostly Jackson in this one :)**

Jackson walked in to the hospital with a coffee in hand, more wary than he'd been in a long time. He was just generally annoyed and in a terrible mood and wanted to get through the day without snapping at anyone. After getting changed in to his scrubs, he settled in to do some paperwork when a he heard a knock on his door and looked up to see April holding Anna.

"Hi! We were running late today because someone decided that she was too cool for a onesie. Isn't that right, Anna?", April cooed to which Anna giggled excitedly causing her to laugh, "Anyway, I thought you'd wanna see her before I dropped her off at daycare."

Jackson swallowed roughly and schooled his features to a smile when April looked at him, "Yeah! Thanks.", he said, walking over and taking Anna into his arms, "Hey, sweety.", his voice caught in his throat and he knew he needed to shake it off, "Giving your mom a hard time, huh?", he continued as Anna playfully reached for his nose.

"She was just in a mood.", April laughed it off, "So I'll just drop her off and run to the ER."

"Why don't you go ahead, I'll drop her off, I don't mind", Jackson said, with a small smile.

"Oh, okay! Be good today, hon.", she said as she kissed Anna's head, "Mommy will come by to see you. Thanks Jackson! See ya!", she said, handing over Anna's bag and walking out.

Jackson's eyes followed her out of his office and he sighed heavily before stepping towards the daycare.

Later, Jackson entered his patient's room with Ben on his side, "Hey Alisha, how are you today?", Jackson asked his patient, in for her Tympanoplasty to repair her left ear drum after an infection damaged it.

"I'm good, Dr Avery, Thanks!", she replied as Jackson checked her ear.

"This is Dr Warren, he'll be assisting me today.", he smiled as he stepped back, introducing Ben. "There are a couple of things to check but we'll be back.", he said as they stepped out.

Ben's suspension was finally over and he was slowly getting back his groove with surgeries. 6 months was a definite setback but he was determined to make the best of it. At least after April's successful C-section, all his colleagues and superiors had stopped questioning his capabilities and trusted him enough to give him interesting procedures.

"I am so excited to back at surgery, I've missed it so much, man.", Ben said when they were outside.

"Well this is the perfect surgery for you, then. Complicated but not too much. I'll even let you lead.", Jackson smiled.

"Fantastic."

"Hey why don't you set up a consult from General? I think it'd be good if someone takes a second look at that infection.", Jackson told Ben.

"Sure. I can get Kepner to-"

"Get Webber instead.", Jackson interrupted, "he's more experienced, right. He's more likely to have an idea about it.", he continued when he noticed Ben's confused expression.

"Since when do you doubt Kepner's capabilities?"

"I don't. It's just-", Jackson, stumbled, "For this case, Dr Webber will be better."

"As you say. I'll set up a consult with Dr Webber, then."

"Thanks. ", Jackson said, thankful that Ben didn't press on.

-xx-

"I cannot describe how hungry I am.", Jackson said to Ben as they walked to the cafeteria later in the day to grab a bite.

"Pretty sure you spent the last 10 minutes describing it.", Ben laughed. "We have some time before the surgery though, so you can take all the time you need."

"Yeah, I-", Jackson faltered when he saw April standing at the cafeteria counter, he should ignore it. He was an adult, he could handle it but it just wasn't the day. The last thing he needed before getting to a big surgery was to think about-, "you know, I feel like I haven't seen Anna in forever. Why don't you go ahead and I'll run to daycare?"

"What?", Ben laughed, "Dude, you've been whining about how hungry you are since like an hour. Why don't you just eat quickly and then go see Anna, as I said, we have time."

"Nah. I'll go there now and grab something to eat later. See ya, man.", Jackson said as he hurried out leaving a very confused Ben alone.

"That was.. weird.", Ben murmured to himself and turned to look around the cafeteria, wondering what made Jackson run out the way he did. When he caught a flash of auburn hair and remembered their conversation from earlier in the day, he knew.

-xx-

Ben walked in to Jackson's office some time before their scheduled surgery and saw him busy with some paper work.

"So you're avoiding April.", he said as he sat down across from Jackson.

"What?", Jackson replied in confusion, not looking up from his work. "What are you talking about?"

" _For this case Dr Webber will be better. I feel like I haven't seen Anna in forever_. Come on, man. I know you well enough to know your avoidance techniques."

Jackson sighed, still trying to concentrate on his work, "I am not avoiding April."

"Reaaaallllyyy?", Ben asked skeptically.

"I am _not_ avoiding April.", Jackson insisted, stubbornly, finally looking up and making eye contact with Ben, "in fact, I met her this morning."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, she umm- came by before dropping Anna off at daycare."

"Uh huh.", Ben was sure there was more Jackson wasn't telling him. "What did you do?"

"What?"

"You did something. That's why you're avoiding her. What did you do? Did you sleep with her?"

"Oh, for the love of- No. I did not _sleep with April_."

"So you slept with someone else and now you're feeling guilty?", Ben mused.

"Ok, that's it. I don't know where you're getting all these ideas from but you need to stop. I didn't sleep with anyone and I am not avoiding April. Now I need to finish this work before the surgery so can you please leave? Please.", Jackson snapped, angrily.

Ben knew he was right but he knew better than push Jackson anymore. "Fine. See you in surgery, then."

Jackson closed his eyes and cursed softly when Ben left. His reasons may have been way off but Ben was right, Jackson just couldn't handle extended proximity to her, not today. The 5 minutes in the morning had been difficult enough. He shook it off and got back to work, hoping that Ben wouldn't bring it up during surgery.

Thankfully, he didn't. The surgery went well even though there were a few complications and Ben got nervous for a while, they were able to handle it alright.

"You did really well in there.", Jackson told Ben as they were washing up after their surgery.

"Thanks for trusting me to get through it."

"Of course. Even if you hadn't been able to handle the complications, it wouldn't say anything about your ability as a surgeon. The best of us have cases which spiral out of control. That being said, I'm very impressed.", Jackson said firmly. He knew Ben had been nervous since the suspension but Jackson never doubted his capabilities even if he had a tendency to be rash. Moreover, Ben was the reason two of the most important people in his life were safe and okay so Jackson owed him for eternity.

"Thanks, man. That means a lot.", Ben replied. In the 6 months, he often feared that he might never be able to get back to where he was as a surgeon but now he felt that it'd eventually be okay.

"So.. You wanna go grab a drink at Joe's?", Jackson asked as they cleaned up, "My treat."

"Sure. I'd like that. But why don't you go ahead and I'll join you in a bit? Just wanted to catch up with Miranda.", Ben replied.

"See ya there, then."

Jackson sat at a table in Joe's and thought he'd hold on to a drink while waiting for Ben but before he knew it, he was on his third glass of scotch. All things considered, it had been a pretty good day but he still felt uneasy and everything that was bothering him all day was still there. That's when he decided to screw it and drink it off. Anna was going to be with April tonight as well and he wasn't on call so why the hell not, right?

Ben came in and found Jackson eating pot stickers and waiting for what looked like his fifth drink, "Whoa. Made you wait too long, did I?"

"No, it's fine. Just have a lot on my mind is all."

Ben looked at Jackson closely. He knew something had been bothering him all day but it was obvious that it wasn't something he wanted to discuss, "Look. Whatever it is that's bothering you, it'll work out."

Jackson let out a humorless chuckle, "Yeah."

Ben ignored him, "And I get it if you don't wanna discuss it. Just know I'm here in case you change your mind."

Jackson looked at him and nodded.

"Come on.", Ben said as he signaled the bartender to cancel Jackson's next drink, "Let me drive you home."

"You don't have to do that."

"I know. But I'm going to anyway. Let's go."

Once they reached his place, Ben looked on as Jackson opened the door to his house, he had been really quiet the entire ride as though in deep contemplation. When they stepped inside, Jackson sat on the couch and Ben got him a bottle of water and said, "Just drink some water and go to bed. And remember what I said before, if you need anything-"

Jackson nodded, "Thanks."

Ben turned to leave but when he approached the door he heard Jackson's voice, "It's been a year."

-xx-

April got back from the hospital with Anna after a pretty long day. After taking a quick shower, she sat down with Anna on the couch and fed her before changing her and getting her ready for bed. She read her a small passage of scripture and started rocking her in her arms but noticed that Anna wasn't really all that sleepy.

"Not sleepy, sweetheart?", April smiled down as Anna looked up with her wide, beautiful eyes.

April sighed and put her in the rocker and rocked it slightly as Anna played with the mobile, "Your daddy avoided me all day today. You know he's always thought that he's more stealthy than he actually is.", April chuckled as she held her hand over Anna's and she grabbed it tightly.

"But honestly, it's for the best. Being around him today would be hard for me too, I just didn't want it to affect your time with him.", April continued as Anna looked at her intently as if understanding everything.

"But I'm gonna focus on the good. For me, it's not about the sad but about the happy, right, sweety?", she sighed as she picked Anna back up and hugged her, "because exactly one year ago, Mommy found out about you. She found out that she was being blessed with you."

April couldn't help the tears that formed in her eyes. She pulled Anna back and looked at her, "You've been such a little miracle, Anna. You have to know that. Mommy loves you more than anything & I thank God everyday for blessing me with you. I can't imagine what this year would have been otherwise."

She kissed Anna's cheek repeatedly as the tears fell out of her eyes, "I love you, baby girl.", she mumbled as she hugged her and bounced her from side to side. She had promised herself that she wouldn't cry a year ago and she wanted to stick to that but after being strong all day and even seeking Jackson out herself in the morning, she just didn't have it in her anymore. She had hoped that it didn't hurt as much anymore but she was dead wrong. It was painful then and it's just as painful now but she had her little bundle of joy in her arms, happy & healthy; and that was all that mattered, even if she would end up crying herself to sleep tonight.

-xx-

"What are you talking about?", Ben asked, turning back towards Jackson, clearly confused by his statement.

Jackson looked up at him. _You want this?_ "A year. It's been a year since April & I-", he swallowed roughly, _Do you really want this?,_ "Since we signed the papers.", _Okay._

Ben's eyes widened in understanding. Jackson's behavior during the day making much more sense to him. "Oh."

Jackson's face fell and he buried it in his hands while Ben came and sat next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He knew that Jackson really loved April but he had never been the one to express feelings, well, except in the middle of a barn during her wedding but still. "I know it's hard, man. You guys were together a long time and went through so much and now with Anna, she's always going to be a part of your life, it can't be easy, I'm sorry."

Jackson got up, shaking Ben's hand off him. "She asked me, point blank that day, if I wanted this, if I really did. And what did I say? NOTHING.", he yelled as he kicked a paper basket kept nearby, forcefully, "like I was _so_ sure, as if I was really done with her!", he laughed humorlessly as Ben got up off the couch, a worried expression on his face, he had never seen Jackson lose his cool like this and was sure the alcohol played a big role but he was still expressing his actual feelings.

"As if I could _ever_ be done with her.", Jackson sighed, fighting back tears, "I was so hurt, all I could do was focus on that hurt, on her abandonment, on her inability to understand what _I_ went through when she left that.. I convinced myself we couldn't get past it. That it was for the best and even if it hurt, I believed it'd get easier. That as hard as it might be, I'd eventually get over her. That maybe I'd meet someone else and-"

Jackson's mind flashed back to the coffee he had with Lisa or whatever her name was. How he could barely carry his end of the conversation after the first 5 minutes, how even though he had been officially single for a year, it still felt like cheating, like betrayal and how even though she was perfectly nice, she wasn't _her_ and could never take that place.

Ben listened silently, letting Jackson get all of his feelings out all the while trying to assess what he was saying. He always knew that Jackson wasn't over April, it was so obvious that anyone could see it. But what he was saying now was more than that, he seemed to be regretting the divorce to begin with and that wasn't something that Ben thought Jackson felt and was pretty much the last thing he expected him to admit.

Jackson sat down on the couch again, taking a deep breath, "She almost died, man. When that line went silent that day, I-", he couldn't accurately express his thought, "You were there. Holding my daughter and I didn't even look at her till I did everything I could for April first. I tried to play it off, to ignore but even now, she smiles at me or I see her being the perfect mother to Anna and I can't. I'm just, I-"

Ben knew what Jackson was gonna say when he said it.

"I love her."

And there it was. Jackson hadn't said it out loud in forever. But that didn't mean it had gone anywhere. He loved her and nothing changed that. Not the pain or the abandonment or the divorce. Nothing.

Ben sighed and looked at his friend's downtrodden expression, it was a terrible position to be in. Because he and everyone who knew them knew that Jackson and April hadn't separated because of lack of love or any kind of betrayal or cheating. They were two young people, desperately in love that were thrust in the middle of heartbreakingly tragic circumstances and their new marriage fell victim to it. Truth be told, he had really rooted for them to work it out.

"What are you saying? Do you want her back?"

Jackson looked up at him, eyes swimming with unfallen tears and shook his head, "I can't want that. I decided this for us. She tried, _so_ hard and I was the one to give up. I have no right to want her back. Regardless of knowing that she and Anna are my family, I have to live with the consequences of a decision that I made. She's happy now and we're in a good enough place that we can keep Anna happy & safe, I can't screw that up. If they are both happy, that's all that matters."

"And you?", Ben asked, skeptically.

"If my family is happy, what more can I want. It's for the best.", Jackson replied as he fell back on the couch, closing his eyes.

Ben watched him as his breathing evened out and he fell asleep. He covered him with a blanket and left him a glass of water before making his way out of the apartment before looking back at him one last time and sighing. Jackson was a good guy and the last thing he deserved was this. He shook his head and stepped out, making his way home to give his wife a tight hug.

 **So Timeline wise, it's been about 5 months since Anna's birth & she was born approx 7 months after the divorce so yeah it's been a year. This chapter was mainly to focus on Jackson's feelings because he was the one to call off their marriage. Personally, I don't think he wanted a divorce as much as he just wanted the pain to stop but that hasn't really worked out.**  
 **Let me know what you think :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey Hey! I really wanted to get this chapter out sooner but stuff came up. Also Thank you to everyone who fav'd & followed and especially to everyone who reviewed, I appreciate you all so much. Anyway here's the new chapter :)**

The next few weeks Jackson immersed himself in work and decided to set up a routine and stick to it. Surgeries, board meetings, paperwork, daycare visits and taking care of Anna. He didn't want to think about anything else. His breakdown in front of Ben had annoyed him for days. It was exactly the kind of thing he had wanted to avoid that day but all the drinks had brought his guard down and he ended up telling Ben things that he hadn't even admitted to himself. Thankfully, Ben hadn't brought it up or tried to talk to him about it again but it still bothered Jackson that he knew and maybe he was being paranoid but it felt like Ben was tiptoeing around him and was purposely avoiding mentioning April. The whole thing had frustrated him to no end. Hence, a routine. He was going to be normal, do his work and focus on his daughter. April was his... _friend_ and he fully intended to keep it that way without trying to do or say anything to mess it up.

Today was different, though. Jackson was actually happy because it had been a genuinely good day. He had finalized a donation that would greatly help their maternity ward and be able to provide free checkups to lower income expectant mothers; and he just got out of a surgery that had seemed extremely tricky but the patient was stable and would end up making a full recovery. Days like these made him proud of his profession and now all he wanted to do was to see Anna and April. He knew April wouldn't be coming into work with Anna till noon so he got some more paperwork and consults out of the way.

He was checking a chart by the nurse's station when he heard April.

"Hey, hey!"

Jackson looked up to see April carrying Anna and a brilliant smile spread across his face as he shut his chart as he turned to face them. "Hey! There you are, I've been waiting."

"I told you I'd be coming in by 12."

"Doesn't mean that time wasn't passing painfully slowly. Is she up?", Jackson asked looking down at Anna's carseat and when he saw her wide awake, he responded excitedly, "She is! Give me, give me, give me.", he asked, reaching out for the carseat with child-like enthusiasm.

"Okay, okay. Here you go.", April chuckled, handing him the seat, "What's got you so chipper?"

"Well I had the best day and I have a splendidly amazing daughter so I get to be chipper.", he replied, unbuckling Anna from her seat and taking her in his arms, "Isn't that right, Anna? No other baby holds a candle to you.", he whispered, nuzzling her cheek as she flinched feeling his stubble.

"Jackson! All babies are wonderful.", April replied, trying to be indignant but she couldn't help the smile on her face. She hadn't seen Jackson this happy and carefree in a long time and it made her heart swell. That's all she wanted and seeing how content just holding Anna made him, everything seemed ok with the world.

"Yeah. Sure, but our baby is the best."

"Well that's just because she's has the best mother.", April replied cheekily.

"No arguments here. _That_ you are. Isn't your mom the best?", he asked Anna while still cradling her. She just grabbed his ear in response.

April turned slightly to hide the blush that covered her face. She knew it didn't mean anything and he was just in a good mood but it had still been forever since he had said anything like that about her and it made her feel things that she had explicitly instructed herself not to feel.

"So umm- ", she composed herself, "you'll be taking her tonight, right?"

"Yup.", Jackson replied, still looking at Anna, "What time do you want me to come by?"

"Actually, I was thinking I'll come drop her off."

"Oh?", he said, looking up.

"Yeah, I'll be leaving slightly early today because I wanted to buy a couple of things for her, then I can drop her off on my way back. Is that okay?"

"Oh sure, absolutely. As long as you don't mind. I can totally come by to pick her up if you don't want to go out of your way."

"That's totally fine, don't worry about it. So I'm not sure exactly what time but I should be there by like 7?"

"Sounds perfect.", he said, "Go on, go get changed, I got her.", he replied, taking Anna's bags from her and heading towards daycare still a smile on his face, he didn't remember the last time he was this content. _Nope. Not gonna do anything to mess it up._ He reiterated in his head.

-xX-

"What have we got?", April asked, as she put on her gloves.

"Samantha Geller, 29, was shoved against a wall & kicked in the abdomen in a mugging attempt, 25 weeks pregnant.", the EMT responded.

April flinched at the details, "Hi Samantha, how are you feeling?"

"Is my baby going to be okay?", she asked, worriedly. She was conscious and seemed alright but they still needed to make sure.

"I'm Dr Kepner & I'm going to take care of you and your baby, alright?", she turned towards her resident and said, "Page Dr. Robbins."

She turned back towards the patient and continued her checkup. "Well, Samantha, apart from some tenderness there doesn't seem to be any extensive internal damage, the OB will check your baby's condition and we'll take it from there? Okay?"

Arizona checked Samantha's vitals and performed an ultrasound before stepping out.

"Well?", April asked, skeptically. She was always more nervous about pregnant patients.

"It was close but there isn't any damage to the amniotic sack and the baby isn't in distress so it should be fine. A little more force, and we'd have to deliver the baby right away."

"Okay, good. I'll just brief my residents on treating her and prescribing her medication and then we can go for lunch, okay?", April replied, with relief.

"Sounds good."

-xX-

April and Arizona sat on one end of the cafeteria, eating their sandwiches.

"I honestly do not know how I'm supposed to get used to this, you know?", Arizona sighed, "I did it because Callie was miserable and I didn't want that but my house seems eerily empty."

April looked at her sympathetically. She couldn't imagine going through what Arizona was, it had to be difficult being away from your child for so long.

"Anyway I was thinking that I could fly to New York next weekend or so. I'm gonna start doing that more often.", Arizona spoke up.

"You should. You haven't seen Sofia in over a month now, it'll be good for you.", April responded to that.

"I probably will. Still won't be enough though but you pick your battles, right?", Arizona said, sadly. "Anyway", she changed the subject and asked with a happy voice, "How's your little cupcake? Work's been so crazy, I feel like I haven't seen her in forever."

April smiled, "Anna's great. She's really been a little bundle of energy lately. But you should definitely come by. She misses her Godmother."

Arizona smiled widely, April always knew how to make her feel better, "Will do. And hey, if you ever need a babysitter-"

"I'll keep that in mind", April replied, nodding, "I guess the good thing about being divorced is that it's very rare that both of us have plans simultaneously.", she sighed, looking down.

Arizona's smile faltered, "How's that going? You & Jackson?"

"It's great. We're great. We've reached an understanding and it's going great."

Arizona raised her eyebrows at that.

"What? Too many 'greats'?", April asked, looking down.

"Uh huh. What is it, April?"

"I don't know. We've found our rhythm. We don't fight and it's been nice. We never went this long without a fight when we were together and it all just seems like it wasn't meant to work out, like we only ever worked as friends. So Anna is the priority and it really has been great.", April couldn't look up because of the tears that were threatening to fall, she hated how easily she ended up crying.

"That's not true, April. Having fights doesn't mean anything. You both were good together, just the circumstances became difficult. I know a thing or two about that. Are you really okay with the way things are now, though?", Arizona asked, gently. She hated seeing April in pain and the divorce had certainly put her through the wringer but she wasn't sure if April would actually be happy without Jackson in her life.

"Yeah.", April looked up, with a determined smile, "It makes sense and I love how we're doing this for Anna. She's happy and healthy. It might not be ideal but I really think we can make this work."

-xX-

Jackson took a shower and changed into his clothes for night before settling in to watch TV, waiting for April to arrive with Anna. She had called and said she was on her way so he expected her anytime now. He heard a knock on the front door and made his way to open it and saw April on the other side with the carseat, Anna's bag and a few shopping bags.

"Hey-", he started.

"Move.", April moved past him and entered his apartment.

"Wha-? April?"

He saw her make her way to the nursery and close the door. "Do not come in here.", she shouted out.

"What are you even doing? Can I at least have Anna?", Jackson asked in confusion as he closed the front door and wandered in.

"No. Just give us a minute.", he heard her reply and sighed.

She stepped out after a few minutes holding Anna in her arms, "Look at what I got her!"

Jackson looked at Anna wearing a baby pink onesie with 'Daddy's Princess has Arrived', embroidered in the middle.

"You like it?", April asked expectantly.

"I love it. Thank you, April.", Jackson couldn't form more words and couldn't tear his eyes away from his daughter wearing that and cooing adorably.

April saw his expression and was glad she bought the onesie, his face alone made it worth it. "Here.", she said, handing Anna over to Jackson.

"Could you-", he started, taking Anna in his arms, "Do you mind taking a picture for me?"

"Of course not.", April quickly pulled out her phone and took a few photos while Jackson was trying to calm Anna who was getting fussy. She did manage to take one particularly adorable photo and she looked down at it and smiled.

Anna's sudden cry pulled April out of her reverie and she looked on as Jackson tried to calm her down. He was really becoming a natural with her but Anna seemed to be in a mood.

"What's wrong with her?", Jackson asked petulantly, "she was fine a few minutes ago."

"I don't know, I've fed and changed her so it can't be any of those things. Let me.", April said holding out her arms.

Anna instantly calmed down when April took her and Jackson's face fell, "Well that certainly puts a damper on the whole Daddy's princess thing", he replied grumpily.

"Jackson, come on. She loves you, they just become clingy to a specific person sometimes. Don't you remember a couple of weeks ago?"

Jackson did remember how smug he was when April had been struggling and he had managed to get Anna to calm down in seconds and then gone on to tease April.

"Yeah, you're right. Why don't you sit? Hopefully she'll settle down in a few minutes.", Jackson said.

The few minutes turned to over half an hour. Anna was still awake and every time April tried to set her on the rocker, she started to cry.

"Well this seems to be going well.", Jackson quipped, getting up off the sofa, "I'm going to order us food, what do you want?"

April looked up at him, smiling widely with a twinkle in her eye. Jackson rolled his eyes, smiling back knowingly and shook his head, he shouldn't even have asked.

Once the food was ordered, Jackson returned to the couch to see April walking around, lightly bouncing Anna.

"Hey, I-", he began.

"Shhh.", April shushed him, "She's falling asleep.", April mouthed.

A completely quite 5 minutes later, Anna seemed to have completely dozed off and April took her to nursery and set her on her crib, praying silently that she doesn't wake up. Once she was sure that Anna was seemingly down for the night, she quietly stepped out of the room and lightly closed the door.

"Well.", April sighed heavily as she fell on the couch, next to Jackson, "That was fun."

Jackson chuckled, as much as he loved his daughter, she sure could be a handful, "Thank you for doing that."

"Of course. You are feeding me in return, so let's call it even.", she smiled.

Right on cue there was a knock on the door and Jackson went to bring in their food. He brought the containers and cutlery to the couch and went to get them some water.

April sat up excitedly, "Chinese! Yaay! I'm famished."

"Dig in.", Jackson smiled, sitting down on the couch next to her and reaching for his own container.

Jackson started flipping through channels on the TV as April started eating and suddenly she stopped him, "Ooohh, stop stop, I wanna see that!"

"April, come on."

"Why not? It's fun!"

"You really want to see Final Destination while eating dinner?", he had never understood her love for gory films, it kind of defied logic.

"Why? You can't handle it?", she teased.

"Fine."

They finished off their dinner and continued the movie, discussing it at length, well, mostly arguing.

"Why would she even go in there? It's such a stupid thing to do! Did she forget how many of her friends have just died?", Jackson said passionately, trying to understand the logic.

"That's not the poin- Ugh you're the worst person to watch movies with.", April shook her head.

"Just because your choices suck.", Jackson mumbled.

It was nice and comfortable. Kind of like when they were just friends. Having dinner and fighting over movies was something they were used to.

As the movie approached it's end, both Jackson & April started to feel the weariness settle in, especially Jackson. He'd had a long couple of days and he leaned back trying to keep himself awake.

When the final credits rolled, April turned off the TV and looked over her shoulder at Jackson. His eyes were closed and he seemed comfortably asleep. April smiled to himself, he looked much younger when he slept, he had a tendency to worry a lot which is why he almost always had a frown on his face but while sleeping, his face looked like it did when they were young Mercy Westers.

He looked so peaceful that she didn't have it in her to wake him up. She looked around to find a blanket at the edge of the couch. She grabbed it and lay it on top of him, trying to cover him fully. When the blanket fell off his shoulder, she reached over to fix it, causing him to shift under her.

Jackson woke up groggily to find April's body reaching across his and she was trying to cover him with a blanket. The way her hair sheathed the side of her face, he couldn't look away and when she moved back slowly, his eyes followed her. She stopped halfway when she realized he was up.

"Sorry, I was just uh-", she lost track of what she was saying as his smell overwhelmed her.

"Yeah-", Jackson whispered and reached out to tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, his hand lingering on her cheek. His eyes fell to her lips and he licked his own, slowly moving towards her.

April's breathing became heavy, her mind becoming groggy as she felt the familiar pull settle within her, pushing all logic out her of head. Jackson's hand on her face was sending shivers down her spine. He tilted her head slightly and his lips brushed against hers, kissing her softly, as her eyes closed.

He pulled back causing her eyes to open. They locked eyes for a second before he grabbed her face with both his hands and recaptured her lips passionately. A moan sounded at the back of her throat that made him growl. Their lips moved furiously against each other's and April's hands moved to the back of his head, pulling him closer. His hands moved from her face to her hair and he just wanted her closer, to feel all of her. She bit his bottom lip and he sought entry to her mouth; the feeling of her tongue against his sending jolts of desire straight to his groin.

April was the first to pull away, resting her forehead on his, looking down. She knew that he was looking at her but she had to avoid looking into his eyes because she knew she would get swept up again and if she did, she wouldn't be able to stop and she wouldn't let him stop either. They stayed in that position for a few seconds, lips swollen, breathing heavily, before she got out of his hold and got up, off the couch without looking at him.

"April-", Jackson got up after her.

She adjusted her clothes and hair and then started collecting her things, still avoiding eye contact. Once she had gathered them all, she started walking towards the door, Jackson following her close but still keeping his distance.

"April, can we at least-"

"Goodnight, Jackson.", she interrupted him, closing the door behind her as she left, leaving him alone in his apartment.

Jackson ran his hands all over his face and returned to the couch, sitting down, his head falling back and eyes closing, "Fuck.", _So much for not doing anything to mess it up_.

 **So they** ** _had_** **set up a nice rhythm and I wanted to show a little bit of the co parenting, but it** ** _is_** **Japril. That underlying attraction is always there, slowly building, till it overpowers everything else. Please review, it makes me happy :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Faster Update, yaay :)**  
 **Also thank you for all your reviews, they inspire me to write quicker and make soso happy, thank you thank you!**

Her lips burned and her heartbeat refused to slow down. April lay on her bed and tried to will the events from earlier in the night away from her head but she couldn't. Her mind kept flashing back to the look in Jackson's eyes before he.. "Ugh, Stop", April whined to herself. She hated herself. Hated that he still had this much power over her and hated that she didn't stop him or slap him, even for doing that but instead responded with as much enthusiasm as she had. And she hated him, because she was sure that his actions had nothing to do with her and he did it anyway, making the comfortable pattern they had set up, unbelievably awkward. She closed her eyes in frustration, hoping that sleep would take over soon and her skin would stop tingling from the lingering feel of Jackson's touch.

-xX-

Jackson walked across the hospital with a purpose, determined to find April. He had just dropped off Anna at daycare after unsuccessfully trying to find April to let her spend a few minutes with Anna but either she wasn't in yet or she was hiding. He hoped for the former. What happened last night was a mistake, no matter how good it felt, no matter how right, he shouldn't have done it. They had Anna to think about and jeopardizing her well being was out of the question, even if it meant that Jackson had to look at April right in the eye and lie to her, ignoring the nagging feeling in the back of his head that insisted that it was inevitable and downright incredible. _No. Anna. Your daughter, your priority._ He can't risk it and even if he had potentially screwed up their arrangement, he was determined to do as much damage control as possible and hopefully in time, they could get back on track _. If you can keep yourself in control, that is_. His pager went off, interrupting his thoughts and he redirected himself to the ER. He had checked there some time back but hopefully April was there by now.

Jackson sighed in relief when he saw the woman in question instructing a few residents. She had her hair tied back in a messy ponytail and had minimal makeup on and pretty much took his breath away. His mind flashed back to the look on her face before he kissed and his stomach clenched with desire. He shook his head, removing the inappropriate thoughts from his head and walked towards her, taking a deep breath.

"Hey.", he reluctantly said when she was done with her residents.

April froze for a second and schooled her features before looking up at him and smiling, "Hi. Did Anna get to the daycare okay?"

"Yeah, she's fine. Uhh- I've been looking all over for y-"

"Umm- Bed 8 needs a consult.", April cut him off.

He should have expected that, "April, we need to-"

"Later. Okay?"

He narrowed his eyes.

"I promise.", April said with conviction.

"Later.", Jackson nodded and watched April walk away to her patient.

-xX-

Jackson paced around the on call room he had occupied waiting for April to show and running over what he was going to say. He had paged her a few minutes ago and she was on her way. He knew that it was important that they cleared the air and talked through things but even so, he couldn't stop his mind from going back and reliving that kiss, the feel of her lips, her soft touch, his hands in her hair, it was all too much and even after all this time apart, he reacted to her the same way. Which is exactly why he shouldn't have done it, he knew nothing could come of it, all it's done is make things awkward. But he'll fix, he would.

April walked in to the on call room cautiously, wary of this conversation. She knew had whatever Jackson had to say would be uncomfortable but she prepared herself because they needed to do this. Not addressing it would just lead to more weirdness.

"Hey.", she said, closing the door and standing across the room from him.

"Hi. Thanks for coming."

"Of course.", she replied, "So.."

Jackson took a deep breath and looked at her, hoping his eyes won't betray him, given that he was going to say things he wasn't sure he truly believed, "I'm sorry."

April looked at him closely, trying to ignore the slight disappointment she felt and urged him to continue.

"I should not have done that. We have a really good thing going here and the last thing I wanted to do was to screw it up.", he continued, he was not going to bring up the fact that she didn't stop him or that she actively responded. That would just make it messier and he was going to take responsibility. "Anna is everything to me and what we're doing is working for her and that's what's most important to me and I think, to you too. So I hope that we can find a way to continue and not let this derail us. And I _promise_ you that nothing of that sort will _ever_ happen again."

April continued to look at him, biting her lips in contemplation and then sighed deeply, nodding, "Okay."

Jackson forced a smile on his face even though 'happy' was the last thing he was, "Really?"

"Yeah. Of course. It's what's best for her and that is all that matters to me. Don't worry about it, we're okay."

Jackson tried to feel a sense of relief that it wasn't going to affect things but something about April was throwing him off and he couldn't put a finger on it. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah.", she smiled with as much conviction as she could. "But - ", she continued after a beat, "Can I ask you a question?"

Jackson swallowed roughly, preparing himself and nodded.

"Why?", she asked. "Why did you?"

Jackson closed his eyes and took a deep breath, this wasn't a question he wanted to answer. _Because I couldn't stop myself, because even after everything I still love you._ He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked at her, "I uh- I don't have an answer for that."

April shook her head and sighed deeply, "Jackson, it's okay. Really. We've been divorced for over a year now. And I just-"

Jackson's expression changed from nervousness to a frown of confusion as he heard her continue speaking.

"I just want you to know that I'll be fine, I mean it might be a little awkward for a bit but I'll get through it, it's inevitable and I know that."

And now he was really confused, "April-"

"It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way."

"April, _what_ are you even talking about?", Jackson cut her off because she was making absolutely no sense to him.

"Look, we've been separated for over a year and it's.. okay.. for you to.. want someone in your life, I mean you're a guy and-"

Understanding washed over Jackson as her words lined up in his head and the confusion made way to annoyance quickly turning into anger.

"I'm just saying that your personal life won't affect our dynamic or our arrangement regarding Anna. So if you're holding yourself back from moving on because of it, you don't need to worry about that.", April said, looking at him determinedly.

"Right.", Jackson replied curtly, clenching his teeth.

"So we're good.", April replied, smiling politely.

Jackson scoffed, rolling his eyes, "Sure. So according to _you_ , the reason that I kissed you was.. what? That I was horny and you just _happened_ to be there?", he chuckled humorlessly.

Her smile faded as she noticed the shift in his tone, "Why.. why are you getting upset?"

"And now you're giving me _permission_ to 'move on'?", Jackson swallowed roughly, looking at her with an amount of anger she hadn't witnessed in a while.

April crossed her arms and shot back, feeling her own anger rise, "Don't twist my words, Jackson. You know that's not what I meant. All I was saying was-"

"You know I really shouldn't be surprised.", he said, walking towards her, "Practically our entire relationship was _you_ deciding how _I_ felt, why would that change now?"

April flinched, "That is _not_ fair."

"Oh it's not?"

"NO, IT'S NOT. I never _decided_ anything for you, Jackson. I had to always _assume_ what you felt because you never told me anything real. You left me out in the cold, guessing where you stood, every. damn. time. Bottling up everything till you snapped JUST like you're doing now.", she wasn't going to let him stand there and pin all the blame on her , _again_ , "and if you have such a problem with me 'deciding' for you then TELL ME. Tell me why you kissed me last night."

"I-", He wanted to say it, he came so close but he couldn't. He just sighed and looked away because he couldn't bear to look at the expression on her face.

April looked at his face and uncrossed her arms, running her hands across her face and hair, trying to calm herself down, "I'm not deciding anything for you, Jackson. That's not my place. I just want you to do what makes you happy.", she told him, looking at him, sadly.

Jackson looked up at her, locking eyes and neither of them looked away, his body slowly gravitating towards hers, "And you think dating some random woman is what's gonna make me happy?", he asked huskily, eyes never leaving hers.

April felt her pulse quicken at the way Jackson was looking at her and moving towards her but his eyes hypnotized her and she couldn't look away. Jackson, on the other hand, had no control over his body as it moved on its own accord towards April as he swallowed roughly.

That's when both their pagers went off.

-xX-

Jackson and April burst through the doors of the daycare, eyes searching for Anna. When they couldn't see her, they turned to the daycare in charge in panic.

"Amanda, where is she?", April asked, her eyes wide and breathing heavy from the running.

"Dr. Kepner, Anna is in the back room with Dr. Robbins", Amanda replied, "I just called her for precaution, I'm sure she's fi-"

They didn't let her finish before they made their way to the back room, usually reserved for nursing and the like.

"Arizona.", Jackson looked at her with pleading eyes, "What's wro-"

"Jackson, April. Can you both wait outside for a couple of minutes?"

"What? Why?", April was on the verge of a breakdown looking down at Anna who seemed to be having a running nose, "Tell me."

"April-"

"We're doctors. What is it that you can't tell?", Jackson cut in.

"Right now, you're parents and I just need to check her, you're delaying this more. Please?", Arizona said, firmly.

They stepped outside without saying another word and stood there quietly, waiting for Arizona to come out. They both avoided looking at each other with Jackson closing his eyes and willing all the unpleasant thoughts away and April biting her lips, nervously and praying silently.

It seemed like hours had passed when Arizona finally called them in. April and Jackson walked in, trying to remain calm and going over to Anna's rocker, Jackson running his hand over her head and April kneeling by her side.

"Well?", Jackson asked.

"Nothing major. I just wanted to check if she had come down with a cold or some kind of allergy. Turns out it's a mild allergic reaction to feathers. One of the daycare's pillows tore open and that's when her nose started running. Keep that in mind, next time you buy her a pillow."

Jackson felt the knot in his stomach loosen. "Okay. Will do. So she's fine? Does she need any sort of medication?"

"Doesn't seem like it. The allergy is already dying down, now that the feathers are cleared, she should be fine."

Jackson looked down and April was stroking Anna's cheek gently and cleaning her running nose.

"Guys. You need to relax. She's a baby, they're tough. She might get sick sometimes but she's fine.", Arizona said, gently, noticing both their expressions.

"Thank you, Arizona."

"Of course. She looks good now so I'll come by to check on her in another couple of hours. If you guys are okay here, I'll just go talk to Amanda for a second."

"Yeah, we've got her. Thanks."

Arizona nodded and left the room and Jackson looked down again, noticing that April was still caressing Anna and he smiled at Anna's serene smile, his pulse finally settling to a normal rhythm, _she's fine_.

-xX-

Jackson walked in to a hallway and saw April sitting on a gurney, her face deep in contemplation and he was pretty sure what was on her mind.

"Hey.", he said, coming and sitting next to her.

"When will it change?", April asked without looking at him, "When will I stop thinking that something around the corner will take her away from us?", she looked at him with tears in her eyes. "It was just a running nose, Jackson and even then it took me a full 20 minutes to convince myself that she wasn't going to die from it. I don't want to spend all my time with her like this, I hate it."

"I know. I get it.", Jackson nodded, "We'll never stop being scared for her but I do think it'll get better. It might be harder for us because of Samuel but it's not just that."

April looked at him in question.

"We're doctors, April. We know things that are bound to make us nervous parents. We know everything that can go wrong and we know the worst possible outcomes. We're always going to be paranoid.", He slid his hand over hers and grasped it tightly, "but we are also best equipped to make sure that she's okay and is as protected from any problem as possible. She'll be fine."

"You don't know that.", April replied, shaking her head.

"Hey. She's got us. She's healthy and perfect. I'm not going to let anything happen to her, ever. I promise."

They locked eyes and April saw the conviction in his eyes and even though she knew that things could always go out of his control, she still believed him and nodded, smiling slightly, "I know. I just don't want to hold her back and keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"We'll get through it. Just focus on how absolutely perfect she is now."

"Yeah, she is.", April smiled, "She really _is_ prefect, isn't she? Especially her giggle, it's the best.", she started laughing, remembering Anna's little shriek-giggle.

Jackson started laughing too, "It's infectious and nose twitches are the cutest."

"You always bring that up.", she continued to laugh.

"Well it _is_ adorable, okay? It reminds me of yo- ", he stopped as their laughter died down. April looked down at their joined hands and Jackson pulled his hand away, reluctantly and she got up off the gurney.

"Listen, April", he started, running his hand over the back of his neck, "about earlier, I-"

"It's okay, Jackson.", she looked back at him, trying to remain composed, "We can get past it.", she took a beat and then said what she didn't want to, "But- but I do think that we should probably avoid spending time alone together, it just complicates things and neither of us wants that, right? Let's try to focus on Anna and on work. That's probably for the best."

Jackson swallowed thickly, trying to keep himself composed, "Right, you're right", he said, huskily, "If that's what you think is best, then that's what we'll do."

"Okay.", she said, sighing deeply and giving him a small smile, "See ya, Jackson.", She turned around and walked away without looking back letting tears stain her face as Jackson looked on painfully, then closing his eyes in frustration, hating everything about this situation.

 **The scared-for-the-baby's-health thing is I think something GA S13 should definitely incorporate, so I wanted them to freak out a bit over it. And Jackson & April are both trying their best to be logical and not let feelings get in the way but they always seep in, in typical Japril fashion.**

 **Also, less than month for S13, who's excited?!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry for the delay! Things came up but I really appreciate everyone still sticking with this story. Your fav's, follows, reviews & PMs mean alot & inspire me to keep going! Anyway hope you like it!**

Pretending. One of the things Jackson hated most was pretending but he was invariably, consistently put in positions where he had to do just that. Pretending that he didn't notice that his girlfriend was in love with his mentor, pretending that he wasn't falling hard & fast for his best friend, pretending to move on from said best friend, pretending that the idea of her marrying someone else wasn't killing him, pretending that he was going to get over her after the divorce, pretending that he wasn't still desperately in love with her and currently pretending that this forced normal that they had created wasn't incredibly frustrating. Awkward silences, polite nods, strictly to the point, professional exchanges was pretty much how Jackson and April spent time around each other for the past two months since the kiss.

It also didn't help that his feelings for April seemed to be going nowhere and in fact, seemed to be getting stronger. He had hoped that once they started spending lesser time in each other's proximity, those feelings would finally, _finally_ become less pronounced. He knew he would always love her and it was unlikely that he would ever love anyone else as much but all he wanted was that these feelings stopped being so all consuming so that being around her wasn't as hard and they could eventually become comfortable around each other. But standing in the ER, watching her at the nurse's station, going through her charts, he knew that he was nowhere close to accomplishing that. All he wanted to do was be around her which is why their current arrangement annoyed the hell out of him even though he knew it was for the best.

"Avery! Are you even listening?", Bailey called out breaking Jackson out of his daze.

"Huh? Yeah. Hunt wants a board meeting. How about tomorrow?", he replied.

"What? I've already scheduled that. Avery, you better stop day dreaming when I'm talking to you, I don't have all day to keep repeating myself", Bailey snapped, "I was talking about the fifth year residents and their fellowship offers."

"Oh, yeah. We can do that too. When are their board results out?", Jackson replied trying to focus on the current conversation.

"Yesterday.", Bailey replied dryly, "Snap out of whatever is making you this distracted, I'd hate to schedule another board meeting for replacing you."

"I have a lot on my mind. There's the fund raiser to organize too.", Jackson tried to play it off, "Just e-mail me whatever the schedule is, I'll be there."

He didn't let Bailey respond and made his way towards the trauma surgeon that made it difficult for him to concentrate on much else when she was in his line of sight.

"Hey.", He came to a stop behind her, smiling slightly, "Rough day?"

April schooled her features and turned to face him with a polite smile he had gotten way too used to, "That's an understatement. ER was a mess this morning so I have to go over all these charts. How's your day been going?"

"Boring. Mostly administrative things.", Jackson replied, "So. Uhh-", he continued, after a beat, "I wanted to talk to you about tomorrow."

"Yeah?", she closed her chart, concentrating on him.

"The fundraiser?"

"Oh, right. I can come by and pick up Anna-"

"Wait. You're not coming?", he asked, surprised. The fundraiser was a big deal for the hospital and after last time's fiasco he was determined to make sure this time would be perfect.

"I- well, Hunt's going to be there to make a case for Trauma and then there's Anna.", she said, they hadn't left her with babysitters yet and she wasn't sure she was ready, "I'd rather stay home with her if I'm not absolutely needed."

"April, you should be there. You and Hunt are equally responsible for our Trauma center being one of the top ranked in the country. Donors should know that.", he tried to convince her, he knew how important she was to the ER and she didn't get nearly enough credit for it. He was going to ignore the small voice in his head that wanted to see her all dressed up.

"But Anna-"

"Ben is sitting it out and I asked him if he'd be okay taking care of her. She's been around him and he's good with her. And I think she's old enough, it's time for her to get used to others looking after her."

"You really think she's ready?", April asked, nervously.

"Believe me, I wouldn't suggest it if I wasn't sure.", Jackson replied with conviction, "So you'll come?"

April tried to ignore the flutter in her stomach at how insistent he was being and smiled slightly, "Okay. I will. Although, I don't think it can _possibly_ top last time's", she teased, laughing.

"Don't even remind me.", Jackson groaned, "Great then. I'll let Ben know.", he said before walking away, after a quick nod.

April watched him leave, her smile fading slightly as she tried to collect herself and not focus on how awkward things had become between them. She kept trying to convince herself that it was better for everyone if they kept their distance but it was getting harder. She missed him and she'd caught him staring at her, on more than one occasion, in a way that made it difficult for her to breathe. The last thing she wanted was to get lost in some fantasy of what that could mean and every time they got too close, it resulted in a fight, as was proved by their conversation after the kiss. But even so, even with all the logical deductions and reasoning her brain was coming up with, her heart was still drawn to him and she didn't know what to do about it.

-xX-

"I should never have agreed to this.", April whined as she attempted to fix her hair for the fundraiser. She was at Arizona's place who had volunteered to help her get ready since apparently April was "out of practice". Granted, she hadn't really gotten dressed since Owen's wedding and it turns out had really lost patience for the whole thing.

"Will you quit complaining and let me look at your makeup.", Arizona replied, rolling her eyes.

"No. I don't want to go, I just want to go home and be with my baby."

"Not happening. Stop pouting, this is good for you. You need some fun.", Arizona said as she looked over April's makeup.

"Yeah, well, this isn't exactly my idea of fun. Also, I'm really not sure about this dress."

Since Arizona had declared herself April's stylist, April had no say in what she was going to wear. She had selected a midnight blue gown, with lace sleeves with a V neck and a deep cut in the back. It was gorgeous but April wasn't sure if she could pull it off.

"Oh shut up, That's going to look stunning on you! And that cut with your breasts? Wowza.", Arizona quipped, as she pulled on her own black dress.

"Yeah, sure.", April rolled her eyes and started getting dressed. Once she put on the dress, even though it looked great, she was still skeptical. "So?", she asked Arizona as she stepped out.

Arizona whistled and said, "What did I tell ya? Hellloooo cleavage!". She saw April's expression and smiled reassuringly, "You look great. Really. You do."

April nodded and decided to go with it. She put on her heels and checked herself in the mirror, fixing her hair and Arizona took the chance to fish for information.

"And trust me. _Some_ one isn't going to be able to keep his eyes off of you tonight.", she said nonchalantly.

April turned around to face her, "What? Who?"

"You know who. What's going on with you two?"

"I don't know what you're talking about.", April replied, indignantly and turned back.

"Oh please. I've seen the way you & Jackson keep stealing glances at each other. You both think you're being stealth but believe me everyone notices it.", Arizona laughed, "Also wasn't he the one that insisted that you come tonight? Trust me, with the way you're looking right now, this-", she gestured at April's form, "was pretty much the reason why."

April felt the color rise in her cheeks as she tried to concentrate on fixing her hair and tried to play it off, "You're imagining things. Jackson & I hardly even speak anymore-", she stopped short and cursed herself silently. She wasn't supposed to say that and she hoped that Arizona hadn't caught it.

Obviously, she had. "Really?", Arizona looked at her, "Since when? Last we talked you said you both were doing well and being all healthy and crap. Why the sudden change?" Arizona noticed April's flushed expression and how she was avoiding looking at Arizona.

"It's.. umm.. Nothing like that-", April stammered.

"Whoa wait a second. Did something happen? Holy fuck. Something happened!", Arizona practically squealed.

"Arizona-", April started, hoping she could find a way out.

"That's why you both suddenly reduced interactions, why you keep looking at each other longingly. You slept with him?"

"What? No! We just kissed-"

"Ah HA!", Arizona jumped, "I knew it! When?! How?! And why hell didn't you tell me?"

"There was nothing to tell.", April mumbled, "We were hanging out and got swept up. Since then we've decided to keep our distance."

"And you're okay with that?"

April looked away, "It's for the best."

"April-", Arizona whined, tired of her giving that reasoning for literally everything.

"If we don't leave now, we're going to be late. Let's get this over with. Come on.", April said, walking out of the room.

-xX-

Jackson was already bored out of his mind. Schmoozing a bunch of rich people wasn't how he liked to spend his time at all, it never was. Even when he was younger, when his mother went around introducing him to high profile people of Boston during the Avery foundation galas, all he was interested in was the food and leaving as soon as possible. Obviously that wasn't an option now. As the head of the hospital, he was pretty much running this event and was glad that his strict instructions of keeping the event classy had been followed. No over the top shenanigans like last time. And then there was the other problem. _Her._

Jackson knew he was the one that had insisted on April coming for the fundraiser and seeing her dressed up, talking and laughing was a big part but he had underestimated his own reaction to seeing her like that. It had been a while since he had seen her like that, a long while but when he saw her walk in to the gala, her hair pulled up to an elegant bun with strands of hair framing her face, the beautiful dress accentuating all her curves and her small smile that indicated that she was absolutely unaware of just how breathtaking she looked, he completely lost his train of thought and it took him a good 30 seconds to collect himself. And since then, his eyes were drawn to her, following her around the room, looking for a chance to talk to her alone.

He noticed her walk away after talking to one of the guests and approached her before someone else caught her, "Well you seem to be in a lot of demand tonight.", Jackson quipped coming up behind her.

April prepared herself for the vision that is Jackson Avery in a suit and turned around with a teasing smile, "Scared I'll take all the funds for Trauma?", she giggled, "I'm networking, that's the whole point, isn't it?"

"More like everyone here is networking with you.", he said, referring to how she was the one being approached by the guests and not the other way around, "Can't say I blame them. You are responsible for the department's success. Also-", he hesitated, doubting whether he should say it, "you look incredible.", he looked right at her as he said it and watched her blush deeply.

"I, uh- Thank you. You look-", April gestured towards him, trying to find words, "I mean that suit is really umm-"

Jackson smirked at her, finding her stammering absolutely adorable, "I won't know whether to be flattered or insulted till I hear the end of those sentences.", he said teasingly.

April's blush deepened further, "You look perfect.", she said softly, locking eyes with him.

Just then April heard Hunt call out for her and she excused herself as Jackson watched leave.

The gala was dying down and Jackson was busy talking to Meredith when he was interrupted by his mother, "Baby!"

"You don't want to be here for this.", Jackson told Meredith as she agreed and decided to leave for the night.

"Hey, Mom.", he said when Catherine approached her.

"You did a wonderful job with the gala, honey. Made me proud. I'm glad you're getting used to these kind of things, you'll have to throw plenty for the foundation in the near future."

"Can't wait!", Jackson replied, sarcastically and Catherine smacked his chest lightly.

"Anyway. How's Anna? Do you have any new pictures?", she asked, hopefully.

"Mom, you saw her a couple of days ago and took like two thousand photos so, nope. I have no newer pictures."

"Well she's only at this age for a little while, we need as many memories as possible. I'm not going to apologize for that."

"Didn't ask you to. But she's great. Ben's taking care of her tonight so April & I have been pretty much calling and pestering him all night.", Jackson chuckled, taking a sip of his drink, "I don't think he's going to babysit her anymore."

Catherine eyed Jackson when he mentioned April and noticing his expression, decided to bring out the big guns, "Do you remember Mara Keaton? I had brought her by a few years ago."

"Uh- yeah. Vaguely. Why?", Jackson asked, nonchalantly.

"Well, she is considering a position in Seattle Pres and she might be moving here. So I thought maybe you could help her out-"

Jackson looked at her, alarmed, not believing she was still doing this, "What?"

"Come on, Jackson. I remember you both had _really_ gotten along the last time she was here."

"That was a long time ago, Mom. Anyway, I don't want to talk about this.", he replied, looking away.

"And why not? You've been single for a while and Mara is nice. I'm just saying talk to her-"

"No. Not up for discussion. If and when I want to "talk" to anyone, I'll do it myself. Anyway I-", he looked across the room at April, his eyes following her as she was busy talking to Amelia, "I'm not interested right now."

Catherine followed his line of sight as saw April laughing and sighed. Her son, for all his decisiveness was still struggling with this divorce. She couldn't relate to that. Once she got divorced, she never looked back. She knew it was the right thing and even with Jackson in the picture, she didn't feel compelled to be in touch with her ex-husband. Jackson and April on the other hand, were constantly in each other's circles and remained, even well over a year after their divorce, the most important people to each other barring their daughter. She knew it had to be hard but they had to break out of this limbo they were in, one way or another.

She tugged at Jackson's arm and pulled him to a quiet corner of the hall.

"Mom, what the hell?-"

"Just tell me once and for all, are you regretting your divorce?", Catherine asked, sternly. She was done with his flip flopping.

"What?", his eyes widened and his throat closed up. He should have known better than think he could hide his feelings from his mother, she could read him like a book. Even so, he hadn't expected her to be so blunt about it, "Mom, I don't know what you're-"

"Stop.", she wasn't interested in listening to him deny his feelings yet again, "You still love her, that much is obvious. But do you still want her?"

Jackson avoided eye contact, trying to find words.

"Because this thing you both are doing, you might think it's what's best for Anna but it's only a matter of time before it blows up in your faces.", she said, sternly, "and my granddaughter is very important to me and I need her parents to stop acting so juvenile."

"Mom-", he started.

"Jackson.", Catherine replied, softly, "I'm the last person who would ever suggest that you both get back together for Anna. Those kind of relationships never work and only lead to resentment. But are you over her? Did you get what you were looking for when you asked for that divorce? Because if you haven't and if you're still drawn to her in that way, you can only fight it for so long."

Jackson swallowed roughly before saying the only thing on his mind, "I don't know what I want."

Catherine knew what that meant. Even with all of their recent differences, she had always liked April and knew that her son's feelings for her were way too intense and overwhelming to be diminished by a divorce, "Well, figure it out. Think about things. You haven't had to deal with the real repercussions of your divorce because of Anna and how focused you both have been on her but it will catch up with you. She will eventually move on, build a family with someone else and you won't be that center for her anymore. Are you ready for that?"

He clenched his teeth at the thought, the very real possibility and tried to shut it out because he couldn't deal with it.

"If a year of divorce and another year of separation before that didn't change your feelings then that says a lot. And if Anna can have a family with both her parents together, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, would it?"

Jackson imagined that life. With April and Anna. Them building their life together, their family together. How things were supposed to happen with Samuel- but then the tragedy and the pain took over and destroyed them and that life and he wasn't sure if they could go back.

Catherine sighed, "You both went through hell but you've overcome that now. It's up to you to decide if you can fix this. If you even want to.", she said before walking away, leaving Jackson alone with his thoughts.

-xX-

Jackson spent the next few days in a daze. His conversation with his mother haunting his mind. He knew she was right. This arrangement that April and him had going wasn't going to work if there were feelings still there that they were pushing away but the thought of getting back together only to have it fall apart again terrified him. But that didn't change the fact that deep down he wanted to try, really try, again. All in all, he was confused and annoyed and really angry with himself and it didn't help that he got no indication about anything from April. She continued being her overly civil self, further frustrating him.

Later in the day, the same thoughts were assaulting his head when he saw April enter an on call room and he decided to follow her in against his better judgment.

He entered to see her sitting on the bed and she looked up at him in surprise, "Jackson?"

He turned the lock on the door effectively isolating them and looked towards her."Hey."

"Umm.", April swallowed, trying to assess what exactly was going on, "Hey. What's going on?", she said as she stood up and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Do you ever- think about what would have been?", he started, having no idea where he was going with it, "If Samuel hadn't died?"

April felt the wind knocked out of her lungs. She hadn't expected that and now she knew this wasn't a conversation she wanted to have. "I- Why are you asking that?", the truth was she _had._ Ever since he died, she had spent so much time thinking about the what ifs.

He started walking towards her slowly, "Do you think this 'arrangement' we have is working?"

"What-"

"Because I understand why you thought it would but all it's done is made me think about you more. Is that normal? Is that how I should feel about my ex wife?", he was now in her personal space and she refused to look at him. "Tell me."

"Jackson-"

"Tell me that you're happy", he whispered, " Tell me that you're done with us."

At that, April looked up at him. Anger rising in each and every cell in her body that he had the audacity to say that to her. She clenched her teeth and controlled herself, "I have patients to take care of.", she stepped aside and made her way to the door, slamming it behind her as she left.

-xX-

Jackson nervously made his way towards the day care. He didn't know what had come over him that afternoon and he definitely should not have blindsided April like that but he was frustrated and he needed to do something, anything to change that. Now she was understandable angry and he had to figure out a way to fix things, again. He was tired of constantly screwing up.

"Hey Amanda.", he said as he entered the day care to pick up Anna, "where is she?"

"Hi Dr Avery. Sorry but Dr Kepner already picked her up a half hour ago."

Jackson frowned but understood. It was his day to pick her up but given how angry April was, she probably beat him to it. He wished she would keep Anna from their issues but he did blame himself a bit, "Oh well. We might have had a miscommunication, then. Thanks anyway."

-xX-

Jackson had just reached home and gotten changed when he heard a knock on the door. He wondered who it was when he opened it to see April standing with her arms crossed and a firm expression on her face.

"We need to talk."

 **A lot of little things in this chapter and Jackson is finally close to that place we need him to be in. I'm excited about the next one so I hope to get it out sooner :)**  
 **Please review! xo**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi! Firstly, thank you for all of your continued support for this story. Your review & favs make me happy! Secondly, I'm so sorry for the delay, it was a tough chapter for me to write & I got caught up with work & new Grey's etc. But it's still an important chapter and I hope I did it justice. **  
**PS. it may or may not be M-rated ;)**

 _We need to talk._

April walked past Jackson to enter his apartment, dropping her bag on the floor and walked towards the living room. Jackson took a deep breath and followed her quietly, dreading this conversation even while knowing that it was one they needed to have.

"Where's Anna?", he asked as he approached her.

"With Arizona.", April said, turning to face him, "she didn't need to be here for this."

Jackson saw the fire in her eyes and it was clear as day that she was angry and even though he understood that, he was tired of pretending that everything was fine when it clearly wasn't and they were both avoiding actual issues at hand, "Listen, about-"

"Stop.", April interrupted, holding up her hand, "I don't want to hear your apologies or assurances, I'm not interested. I don't know what is going on with you. All I know is that it's bothering me and making me uncomfortable. I thought we had an understanding, I thought we were on the same page but then you go and do things or say things.. I..", she took a deep breath, "You need to take some time and figure yourself and this out because it's getting.. difficult and I don't want that so figure it out, for Anna. Just whatever this is, I'm not getting involved because it has nothing to do with me."

Jackson had been listening intently, avoiding looking at her this entire time but her last comment caught his breath and he looked up at her, trying to silently convey just how wrong she was. Seeing her standing there, he couldn't think straight and his mind was swimming all the memories and everything that led them here.

"So do what you need to do, just keep me out of it.", April said, with conviction, looking straight at him.

They stared at each other silently for a small moment and then April walked around him to leave, reaching for her bag. She had nothing more to say to him and definitely didn't want to hear any of his explanations. She reached out to open the door when his voice stopped her in her tracks.

"I love you."

April's hand fell from the doorknob and she let her bag drop back to the floor. Her brain going blank with those words. She didn't even remember the last time he had said them and now she was shaking. "What did you just say?", she whispered, turning slowly.

Jackson turned towards her, trying to gather all the courage he could, "I'm still in love with you.", he repeated slowly, almost defeated.

April closed her eyes and started shaking her head vigorously, "No."

"I know it's not what you expected-"

"No just stop-"

"But even after everything, I just-", Jackson tried to make her listen.

"No, no,", April continued, trying to block out whatever it was he was saying, "No, just STOP IT.", she yelled.

Jackson finally stopped and sighed deeply, this wasn't how he wanted this to go.

"You're-", April tried to collect herself and remain calm, "you're not thinking clearly. Anna is-"

"Can you STOP bringing up Anna and focus on _us_ for a second?", he had had it with her using their daughter as avoidance. It's not like he didn't know what was needed and what was best for Anna but their ideas seemed different.

" _Us_? There is no _us_ , Jackson. The only reason we're in each other's lives at all, is because of Anna. You made that decision, remember?", April said, folding her arms, accepting that this was actually happening and they were really going down this road.

"Doesn't change that we are, in fact, each other's lives."

"As Anna's parents!"

"That's BULLSHIT. Things were never done with us and you know it. Everything we've been doing so far has been a stall. But I just don't want to do it anymore. April-", his voice lowered and he continued with a tinge of desperation, "Things are different now, we can be happy. Together. It's me and you, right?", he asked, hope flooding his features.

April felt her stomach clench at his words with tears flooding her eyes. She was quiet for a few moments as she blinked away her tears, "When I look at you, and I stop thinking...", she started the words from forever ago that still haunted her, "When I let myself just _be_ with you."

Jackson's eyes widened in understanding as he remembered his own words.

"I remember every word you said to me that night.", April said with a shaky voice, "I had accepted that you were done, that _we_ were done and I just wanted to hold on to the last good thing. But you said you still wanted this.", she couldn't stop the tears from falling, "and I finally found something to be happy about, to hold on to, that the person I love more than life itself loved me enough to actually try to save our marriage. I was so happy, Jackson, for the first time since Samuel died, I had hope."

"That-", Jackson stated.

"Four weeks.", she interrupted him, "That's all the time it took you. To give up on me, on us. That's how much you wanted this? I had accepted that you were done but you gave me hope and just took it away without even really trying. And now what? _Why_ would I put myself through that again? What has changed? That we have a child? I never wanted you to be with me for a baby's sake and I still don't. This isn't about me."

The pain in her voice crushed Jackson, he knew she was hurt and obviously not over the divorce but did she really believe that his feelings for her stemmed solely from their daughter. He hated that she had lost faith in how much she meant to him, "You can't seriously believe that. I know that I hurt you, I get that & I love Anna so much but wanting to be with you has nothing to do with her. It's about you and us."

"Oh yeah? Is that why it took you barely a month to start dating again after our divorce?", April questioned, calmly, masking the hurt she felt.

Jackson gulped roughly, closing his eyes. He completely forgotten about that "date" but it was still coming to bite him the ass. "How-"

"What? You think you're the only one with friends in the hospital?", April chuckled, humorlessly, "You were done, Jackson. Like 'Ready to move on with your life with someone else' done. So don't even try to pretend like this sudden, apparent resurgence of feelings has nothing to do with Anna."

"NO, it doesn't!", Jackson was frustrated and just needed to make her listen, "You know I'm not like that, April. I don't need an idealistic version of a family to raise a child in. I was raised just by my mom and I turned out okay. So no, I don't need to _force_ this just for Anna if I- didn't feel the way I do about you. And that date-", he sighed, running his hand over his head, taking a step towards her, "It meant nothing. It was my way of convincing myself that I was moving on. You seemed so perfectly at peace with the divorce that I just-", he looked towards the ceiling, fighting back tears of his own, "Anna might have acted as a tether but that's it. _You're_ it, April. It would have been easier if you weren't but here we are.", he said helplessly.

April shut her eyes in frustration, fully crying now. She buried her face in her hands and fell to her knees, "Why are you doing this?", she asked, in a broken voice, wiping away tears from her face, "Why? Why now? You don't have the right anymore. You didn't say anything when I asked you before signing the papers. You had nothing to say, then. Not a shred of doubt! I gave you what you wanted. What you believed would make you happy. Your light at the end of a really dark tunnel.", her face fell forward with her crying, "It put me through hell. Broke me. I tried & fought so- so hard and you- gave up."

Jackson kneeled down beside her, tears running down his face too. He was in physical pain seeing the love of his life broken knowing he was the reason, "I tried too, you know. _so_ much. To make you understand what Samuel's death did to me, what you leaving did to me but you didn't get it.", he reached out and took her face in his hands making her look up at him, "I knew why you needed to go, how much it helped you but even after you came back, you never even accepted that it broke me too."

"I did-"

"You had Jordan, you had functional, normal relationships with your mom and dad and God.. All I had was you.", he whispered shakily, "You left and I lost everything. I just needed you to understand that and you didn't. I- I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to stop feeling hurt and stop hurting you and I thought it was the only way even though I hated it. But-", he pressed his forehead against hers, "I never, for a second stopped loving you. I thought it would eventually go away but- I love you."

April also held his face is her hands, looking at him and her own reflection in his eyes. Seeing two broken people. If he had broken her, she broke him too. The facade they had put up for their daughter's sake finally coming off. All the pain, the hurt that had been pushed to the background coming forth and overwhelming her, "I love you too.", She said before she moved forward slowly and softly pressed her lips against his but pulled back quickly when he leaned in to deepen the kiss, regardless of what her heart & body wanted, "But you're right.", she said, pulling herself away, "We hurt each other. The only time we don't is when we're friends. We're broken."

He held her hands in his, "We went through hell, April but only we can pull each other through it. And now, we've gotten a chance to rebuild all that we've lost. I might be broken but I'm still incomplete without you. Just give this a chance?"

Her heart thudded in her chest wildly and she knew what it wanted. She could feel the pull settle in but tried to convince herself that it'd be a mistake even if she didn't truly believe it, "I can't.", she said, rising to her feet and turning.

"Don't go.", Jackson whispered.

April refused to look at him as she picked up her bag, knowing that any eye contact now would lead to just one place. _Would that really be so bad, though?_ She wanted it but knew she shouldn't.

As soon as she opened the door, she felt Jackson come up behind her, reaching across her to shut the door close again. He stood behind her with a hand on the door and the other slowly circling around to capture her waist.

"Should I not have done that?", he whispered breathily in her ear and she shivered.

"Jackson-", she started, breathing heavily.

"If you want me to stop, just say so.", he continued whispering as his lips found her neck and she dropped the bag back on the floor, "and I'll stop."

April's brain registered the words she had spoken a lifetime and an half ago and her brain lost control feeling Jackson's lips on her neck. Her breathing became ragged and she turned around quickly, pulling Jackson's face to hers as his lips captured hers passionately. His arms grasped her waist tightly and he pushed her roughly against the door pinning her body against his as a moan escaped her lips.

One of Jackson's hands moved to her hair, grabbing at it and tilting her head to deepen the kiss. At that moment, they both knew one thing. That they wanted this and needed it. He pulled back to look at her, his eyes dark with desire and hers reflecting the same, they shared a breath for a moment, both waiting to see if the other puts a stop to this. But that was clearly not happening and Jackson's lips fell to her neck, nipping and sucking as his fingers deftly undid the buttons on her shirt.

April's eyes closed and her head fell back to the door as the feeling of his lips on her neck and his hardness pressing against her center overwhelmed her. Her hands reached for his shirt, pulling them off and running her hands over his chest and back, pulling him closer.

Jackson quickly unclasped the front hook of her bra and pushed her shirt and bra aside, without taking them off completely and started to kiss his way down her body, his hand cupped her breasts with his fingers running over her nipples as he kissed down her navel. He pulled back to look at the faint scar from her incision and ran his hand over delicately before kissing it softly. He looked up at her to see her eyes closed, teeth digging into her bottom lip and the sight mesmerized him. He slowly undid her jeans, pulling it down along with her panties as she took off her shoes. After getting her rid of them, Jackson slowly kissed up her leg, relishing in the feel of her and being able to touch her again. His body had a mind of its own. This had probably been the longest he had gone without sex since becoming active and in this moment, it was more obvious than ever.

Soon Jackson's mouth found her center and April moaned out loud feeling like every nerve ending on her body was on fire. Her hands tried desperately to find something to hold on to because her knees weren't strong enough to hold her up. Jackson realized this as he placed one hand on her hip, holding her up while his mouth put exquisite pressure on her center. April pulled him back up, her arms circling around his shoulders as she kissed him deeply, her chest pressing against his. Jackson spread her legs apart, pushing one and then another finger in her.

"Ahh.. Jackson-", April's head fell back and Jackson kissed her down the throat as his fingers pushed deeper in her and her moans and cries made it obvious that she was close to falling apart. He then curled his fingers inside her causing her to let out a guttural groan as her knees buckled and she fell off of the edge, panting with the intensity of her orgasm. Jackson brought her down from her high, still caressing her inner walls. She slowly opened her eyes, breathing heavily and locked her gaze with his, lust flooding his features. He finally pushed her shirt & bra off her body, grabbing her face with one hand, lifting her off the floor with the other and brought her mouth down on his as he moved them towards his bedroom.

Jackson dropped on April on his bed, falling on top of her, lips never leaving hers. His hands roaming over her body refamiliarizing himself with every feature that he'd spent so much time studying and worshipping.

April could feel Jackson's hardness straining against his track pants so she used her feet to pull down his pants and boxers. Jackson got up off the bed to rid himself of his remaining clothes and rejoined her on the bed after putting on a condom. He laced his fingers through hers and placed his forehead against hers, just breathing her in.

"I-", he whispered, shakily.

"Shh-", April stopped him and pulled him down to kiss him and let him settle between her cradling legs that she folded up.

He lined himself at her entrance and she shook with anticipation. It had been forever that they'd been together like this and they both wanted to savor it. He let his hips fall slowly as he entered her. They both gasped at the sensation, April biting her lips and arching off the bed at the feeling of him filling her, completing her. Jackson took a second to fully absorb the feeling of being inside her completely. He looked at her, her breathing ragged & eyes closed and she looked so breathtaking, he could have come right then.

"Look at me.", he pleaded, resting his forehead on hers.

April slowly sighed and opened her eyes, making contact with his and shivered at the emotions and desire in them. Jackson started thrusting slowly at first and then picking up pace and April's hips responded too. They maintained eye contact with their groans getting louder and desperate with each passing thrust.

Jackson the flipped them over so that April was straddling him, her hair sheathing the side of her face and her hands on his chest as they continued their frantic movements, desperate to reach their peak. Then he took hold of her waist and thrust up deeply at angle that made April practically convulse. She fell forward, burying her face in his neck as her inner walls fluttered around him and she came with a loud, long moan, her body tingling. Jackson continued thrusting as he sat up with her on top of him and she continued to kiss and bite his neck and shoulder.

He came with a loud grunt a few short strokes later, calling out her name and emptied himself in what was probably the strongest orgasm he ever remembered having. He held her in his arms, still in her for a few moments before she rolled off him to the side of the bed.

They lay their silently for a few minutes before Jackson looked over at her and April slowly looked back. Their heated gazes met and before either of them knew it, Jackson had pulled April back on top of him, kissing her desperately.

They had sex two more times before the tension and desire that had been building for all this time seemed to be at least slightly sated. They lay beside each other for what seemed like hours, without saying a word to each other, their minds racing. Finally, April felt the bed move and looked to see Jackson getting up, facing away from her and putting on his track pants.

April felt her throat close up and tears prickle her eyes as a weird sense of deja vu settled within her. How did they keep ending up here? Now especially? With Anna? _Oh God, Anna!_ She had come here with a purpose but let her mind get overruled by her heart and body. He was clearly questioning this already and she remembered how things had turned out last time. She tried to control herself as she sat up too, wanting to get dressed but then remembered that her clothes were all outside. She pulled the sheets around her to cover herself up when she saw Jackson get up and walk towards the door of the room. She looked down, trying to blink back her tears when she noticed that instead of leaving the room, he came around to her side of the bed and kneeled in front of her.

April looked at him, her hands on the sheets and tears in her eyes and Jackson held her face tenderly in his hands and spoke softly, "April, I love you. I tried not to, hoped I'd stop but I do. No matter what happened, I do and probably always will. I want to be with you, for us to finally be that family that we always wanted to be. But I know that I hurt you and that after everything that happened-", he sighed deeply, his own tears threatening to fall, "if you can't get past it, the hurt, if it's too hard for you, I-", he swallowed roughly, "I'll finally accept that. I know I've said it before but I really mean it now. I'll be in your life as whatever it is you want me to be. Even if it's just as Anna's father.", he said, shakily, a tear escaping, "You get to decide whatever you want from me and I'll do it. However long you need.", he finished, his eyes never leaving hers. Then he sat up slightly and brushed his lips against hers, kissing her firmly. He pulled away quickly with his eyes closed and whispered, "Just in case."

He got up, turning around without looking at her and left the room before he broke down, leaving April alone in the room, her mind, heart and body spinning.

 **So I wanted to show that they were both broken and both at fault for the entire mess. But given that Jackson was the one who walked away, he had had to take the first step, which was what I had been building up to. Please review! I'd love to see what you all think.**  
 **xo**


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